Are You An Asshole? Just say so. Really.

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Remember when that famous golfer’s life blew up? Stories of numerous indiscretions kept coming to light, one after the other. I remember thinking that his handlers did it wrong.  If I had been his PR person, I think I would have handled it differently from the start. Why pretend that you are a family man if you really just aren’t? I guess there is pressure to be a good guy. But what if you aren’t?

I spent almost ten years with someone who pretended to be someone he wasn’t.  And I think he may have done it for my sake because he believe that’s what I wanted.  It may have been the case way back then, but I could have saved myself a whole lot of heartache if he had just been true to himself from the start.

My friend and I recently had a conversation on this topic. I’m of the mind that if you are an asshole, I would really rather you just said so.  Come clean. Truly. That way I can make an informed decision.  It’s not great to be an asshole but at least it takes balls to admit it.  With where I’m at in my life right now, I actually don’t mind if you are an asshole. There are limits of course (don’t be a liar for example). But generally if you are fun, funny and honest about who you are, I can handle that.  I may choose to spend time with you anyway because I know what to expect.  (Sidenote: granted, this is likely not true if I’m looking for a serious relationship.)

That’s why I don’t mind meeting men in bars. I know what that’s all about. And I get to decide for myself how I want to proceed. If you fawn over me and pretend it’s something it’s not, that I’m not likely to buy.  And what I really don’t like is the men who pretend to be nice guys and then treat you like shit and fuck you over. Now that’s a real asshole to me.  And it’s dishonest, which I hate.  I suppose I understand why people cover up their dark sides. It’s not as socially acceptable. And yet, on the flip side, I have several “real nice guy” friends who just keep getting passed over (that’s another blog post!).  But I would find it refreshing if a man just said to me “I’m kind of a dick and here’s what you can expect in terms of that.”  As I type that, I have to laugh because let’s be honest, that’s not ever going to happen!

But please – and I suppose this goes for both women and men – when dating, just be who you are.  Live it. Be it.  Warts and all. The people who don’t like it won’t want you in their life, and that’s okay.  And those who make the choice to tolerate it or even like you for who you really are, well they are going into it informed.

So if you wear an asshole merit badge on the inside, how about you bring that sucker out to the front and see what happens?

Rolling The Dice

c77caa95e43d3d90fe883c828a524641 Well I guess the time has come.  I’m rolling the dice and we will see what happens. I’ve met someone new. Someone emotionally available.  I know, it’s unheard of for me. Crazy! But there it is. And I’m taking a chance.  On a lot of levels.

He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever dated before. Completely different – in the way he looks, type of job, his history… everything.  But he seems open, communicative, honest, kind and funny.  And he’s covered in tattoos. Which as it turns out, I like.  A lot.

I’ve already had to readjust the way I think. I don’t like to admit it but I was brought up to believe certain things about blue collar men. I hate that. And I don’t actually believe that I’m better than someone who has a different life than I do and yet it’s there in me, somewhere deep.  In terms of someone I date anyway. So I’ve had to look at that.  And that’s a good thing.  He tells me he’s never dated anyone like me either. So it’s new for both of us.

Also new territory for me is spending time with someone who may want something more from me. And that’s scary.  Really scary. All the men I’ve dated in the past year and a half have been casual situations. Great guys but non-committal all the same. And that’s been my choice. It’s worked for me. And I’ve learned from all of them.

But here I am, on the precipice of taking a big leap of faith. My trust is very fragile. I know this to be true and I’ve already experienced it with him.  It’s going to be a challenge for me.  I may bolt. He may think I’m a nut job. But I have to take a chance. He’s said he will wait for me and earn my trust. We shall see. I don’t trust men to not screw me over or lie to me. Hopefully this experience will help me stretch in this area. So here’s to hoping he’s not a douche and just telling me all the things I need to hear. No snake eyes please.

So I’m going to jump….or try to.  And hopefully those nice tattooed arms will catch me.  And if not, I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep walking forward.  And try again.

Moving The Needle

203013895673449024_ZFcYAJ48_c Life changes. Things never stay the same. I’m keenly aware of this concept and have become much more adept at navigating the windy road and rolling with the punches.  I haven’t written much about my dating life lately but it’s time for an update.

In October I wrote about juggling men. It was an interesting – and exhilarating –  experience but as suspected, it didn’t last too long.  I just couldn’t manage it. Which kind of makes me laugh because I am a stellar multi-tasker. I didn’t know how to move forward on an intimacy basis while dating more than one guy (but that is another post!) So the men were whittled down to one – I wish I could say it was all my conscious choice but in reality it was circumstance. And I’m okay with that. I ended up with the best choice. The guy I started talking to online last summer.  So overall we spend about five fun months together which included a lot of really great dates and  good memories.  And I say memories because it’s over now.  Again because of circumstances.

True to form, I picked someone non-permanent who wasn’t looking for a commitment. He was always going to be in town temporarily and we actually never dated exclusively. But it worked for me. He’s a great guy and we have a lot in common.  And honestly I think knowing that it wasn’t long term allowed me to let him in more than I usually do and not get scared.  I was able to show him a variety of sides of me and always be honest about where I was at. He gave me the space to do this safely and he was always really cool about it.  Through this relationship, I was able to grow and I’m really grateful for that.

So now it’s done and I feel confident that we will stay friends. I’m a bit sad but generally okay.  I’ve moved my emotional needle and that’s a big deal for me. I think that now I’m more open to trying something with someone where it’s not casual.  Exclusive dating? Say it isn’t so!!  But yeah, I may be ready to try that.

I know that I’m still not ready to jump into the deep end but I’m going to try to not hang out solely in the hot tub with the guys who look good on the outside but who don’t have much to give. Okay, let’s be honest, I’m sure I’ll still visit the hot tub from time to time. When I’m cold….you know? I mean, really, the hot tub can be awesome. For a short time.

So yeah, I’m glad for my time with this guy. I got a lot out of it. I think he did too. And I’ll allow myself to feel the sadness that it’s over but I’m definitely going to smile that it happened. And continue to move forward.

Ode to 2012

tumblr_mfqca1axym1rwpp0mo1_1280Another year gone by.  It’s hard to believe.  As we stand on the cusp of 2013, there are no resolutions for this girl. Too much pressure.  2012 brought me many things – some good, some fun, others challenging and many were thought-provoking.

The things I appreciated the most about 2012:

  1. Travel – fun girl weekends, an awesome trip to LA with my brother and a crazy Vegas getaway.
  2. My girlfriends – my friendships keep me sane. I’m very lucky to have some amazing woman in my corner.
  3. New male friends – I started 2012 with very few male friends and I’m happy to have some new men in my life.
  4. Fun & laughter – I’ve been up to some craziness this year and I’ll admit that I’ve enjoyed it.  We all know I love a good story.
  5. Learning – I keep learning about myself and growing as a person because of my experiences and the risks I take.  It hasn’t all been good but that’s okay. Even the hard stuff teaches you things. Sometimes, especially the hard stuff.

The things I’ve learned in 2012:

  1. I have my eyes open. Some people may think I make questionable decisions. Hell, sometimes I think that too. But I usually go into a situation knowing what I’m getting myself into – even if it’s not good for me. And so I’m willing to deal with the consequences.
  2. I’m still scared shitless of being hurt. Yeah, I am. But I’m trying and as time goes on, I’m able to take a little step further (read – little!). My armour is at once a huge asset and my biggest obstacle.  Fear still rules me.
  3. Despite my last point, I’m also brave.  When I believe in something, I fight for it. And I take risks.
  4. Vulnerability is not weakness.  I’m still coming to terms with this one. I struggle with it. A lot. So this is a work in progress.
  5. And lastly, I’m an attention whore. Okay this may not be a new realization. I love attention. Especially from men. It’s true. Oh well. I kind of love dating. And kind of hate it because most men are generally idiots.

There has also still been shit in 2012.  But then isn’t there always?  I’ve been sad, lonely, angry, terrified, anxious and hurt. I’ve shared a lot of it here on my blog so I won’t go into it. Overall though, it’s been a good year. I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun, I’ve focused on me and I still think I’m generally awesome.  I’m also growing and changing.  And although sometimes I worry that not everyone will stick by me through those changes, I hope they will.  Because I’m still on my journey and it continues to be a roller coaster.

So for 2013, I predict more of the same. I’m not ready to settle down. Or settle at all. Okay, okay…yeah I may tolerate some douchiness if a guy is really cute – for only a short time I swear!  Here’s to more of everything…..

Sparkle on baby, sparkle on.

The Art of Juggling

I’m juggling. Juggling men. I’m not quite sure how it happened. Really. It wasn’t on purpose. It’s just the way things have panned out.  And I’m rolling with it.

There were three – a guy I met in Vegas who wanted to keep calling me (so, so cute but who does that? It was Vegas!!), the guy I’ve mentioned in my past posts (witty, smart and we get along really well), and a new one (a bartender – completely age inappropriate but fun).  Over the last week, Vegas guy has gone from the top of my list to the bottom…in fact he may not even be on the list anymore.  I mean, let’s be realistic shall we?  I don’t need to explain all the ways you can’t maintain a connection with someone who lives far away and whom you barely know. So I’m fairly certain I’m now down to two.

All this is very unlike me. But I recently decided to just start saying yes to opportunities that present themselves rather than find reasons to say no.   There are a few interesting things for me about this new situation I’ve found myself in:

  1. I’m learning to stay in the moment. You know -be present with the person I’m actually with (or talking to) and give them my full attention.  I have a tendency to overthink (as you know) so this is good for me.
  2. The standings on my “favourite list” shifts depending on the interaction.  This is curious to me.  It all depends on whether we’ve had a good date. Luckily for me, the two guys who I actually both spend time with are fun and I like hanging out with them. I kind of consider myself lucky given all the idiots out there.
  3. I’m not emotionally invested. This is new to me as I’ve never dated like this before.  I’m fully aware that neither of these guys wants anything long term and nor do I.  This will all end soon enough. So this is good practice for me.
  4. Men like the chase. We all know this. In fact, I think most people do – women and men alike. I’m honest with each of  these guys so they are fully aware that they aren’t the only ones I’m dating. And this makes them want me more.  So silly but that seems to be the way it works. Especially for alpha males who aren’t looking for a serious relationship.

Some days it is challenging – especially when I’m being text bombed, but I’m a master texter so I manage. It can also be generally overwhelming but when that happens, I just take a step back and reassess. I make sure I’m still making conscious decisions and I check in with myself to make sure I’m okay.

Just between us –  there’s also a part of me that’s doing this for the sisterhood.  If guys can do it, why can’t women?  I think some people can’t wrap their head around dating multiple people.  In fact I’ve been told I’m being like a guy. I rebel against that. I think I can do whatever I want if it’s not hurting anyone. And women have just as much right to be free, empowered and choose to date several people.  In fact, it does make me feel strong.  I do know that women are built a little differently emotionally (Heart in the Vagina?) … I don’t forget this so I’m keeping my eyes open.  I know none of it is long term and as an expiry date. I may crash and it will all come tumbling down around me.  But that’s okay.  This  journey is mine alone and every time I learn more about myself.

Mostly though, I’m having a lot fun.  All my dates with all of them have been great. And I like the attention, I really do. I mean, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t?   So with all that in mind,  right now, I’m enjoying the ride and choosing my own adventure.

Adventures in Dating

I’ve been out in the dating world for a year now. It’s hard to believe. Despite my stories, there haven’t really been that many guys – especially any that have gotten past the first coffee date. Some of my experiences have been good, some hard, some funny and some have caused me anxiety and sleepless nights. But they have all taught me something.

So here’s a glimpse into my escapades during my year of dating. The good, the bad and the ugly. And of course, the downright ridiculous.

  1. Does one coffee date count? Met a guy I knew wasn’t my type and I was right. Super beta. I went for the practice. I told him right after that I’d rather just be friends. We never spoke again which is just as well because I didn’t really mean it.
  2. My emotionally unavailable Mister Crush. Off and on in various incarnations for several months. He’s still the only one I’ve actually had feelings for and has caused me the most emotional difficulty since I’ve started dating. Funny that he was the first guy I dated. I have to say that I’ve learned the most about myself from my experiences with him.
  3. The time I was about to meet this intense guy I was talking to online. When he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go to his house for our first meeting and criticized my philosophy around introducing men to my child, I bailed. Idiot.
  4. The night I ended up in the hospital.
  5. 26 year old I met while drunk with my girlfriends at 5pm on the ferry – thanks to a sparkly flask full of gin. Cute, witty, 26 year old who we went to a bonfire with (and his buddies). Yeah, too young for me but wit gets me every time. Some text flirting for weeks afterward but it really was just for fun. Too young.
  6. Needing to take sleeping pills for a while last year as everything was just messing with my head. I’m glad I haven’t had to take any in months.
  7. Let my super vixen out with a guy. I won’t go into more details here. Although I sure am tempted! Great guy but he lived too far and we ultimately wanted different things from life.
  8. Abs. Beautiful, beautiful abs. Talked online fairly intensely for a few days. I was suspicious at first but I was intoxicated by the picture of those abs and those arms. I was worried he was actually a troll who lived with his mom. He all of a sudden stopped emailing. What a douche. Abs can only get you so far. (But they were spectacular.)
  9. My night as a cougar. I laughed out loud when he asked me if I lived with my parents as he was leaving my house.
  10. Another super vixen moment when I cut off my panties and hung them over the bar on a non-date with a guy I was attracted to. Did it because I thought it was funny. And yeah, hammered. Wow, where did that girl come from?
  11. Took a chance on a guy I met online. Turns out he’s amazingly sweet and thoughtful. Too bad I feel absolutely no chemistry. So we are just friends but I can tell he likes me.
  12. The time I danced with a guy, dressed as a woman…with pink hair. I may have made out with him. I can’t remember. I have to tell you that the costume was for a stag. And I thought it was ballsy. Plus I managed to keep his long black gloves for my costume collection.
  13. Co-worker introduction to a bouncer. Good guy. We are friends and I ask him boy questions. He tells me I’m pretty, nice and smart when I need to hear it. Gotta love that.
  14. The time my co-worker chased after me to give me back a condom that had dropped out of my purse in front of my office. Can you say awkward?
  15. Getting to share my stories with my kick ass friends – which includes laughing at myself, commiserating and crying on their shoulder.

So there you go. Good times. (I mean that both sarcastically, and not.) Right now I’m having a drought. I figure it’s the universe’s way of telling me something. I don’t know what yet but I guess I’ll take the time to just be. But I do love a good distraction!

Top Ten Signs You Aren’t Ready To Date

The list below comes from a hilarious conversation I had with my two best friends today. One of us married, one of us dating and one of us not ready to jump back into the man-pool yet.

True story.

Top 10 Signs You Aren’t Ready To Date Yet:
1. It doesn’t occur to you that it’s not appropriate to pick your toenails in public.
2. You think the cutest guy on the block is the 3 year old down the street.
3. You see absolutely no reason why you should trim.
4. The guy in line behind you says “excuse me” and you have an irresistible urge to punch him in the neck.
5. Scrunchies. Ah, why not??
6. The guy at the drive through says “here’s your change” and you scream in his face “No!! YOU change, you mother fucker!”
7. You have no problem admitting that your stuffed animal, Mister Bojangles, is your preferred bed fellow.
8. You rent The Godfather as a comedy.
9. Your friend suggests you put your profile up on Plenty of Fish. You throw up in your mouth a little bit. Okay, a lot.
10. Granny panties.

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