Are You An Asshole? Just say so. Really.

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Remember when that famous golfer’s life blew up? Stories of numerous indiscretions kept coming to light, one after the other. I remember thinking that his handlers did it wrong.  If I had been his PR person, I think I would have handled it differently from the start. Why pretend that you are a family man if you really just aren’t? I guess there is pressure to be a good guy. But what if you aren’t?

I spent almost ten years with someone who pretended to be someone he wasn’t.  And I think he may have done it for my sake because he believe that’s what I wanted.  It may have been the case way back then, but I could have saved myself a whole lot of heartache if he had just been true to himself from the start.

My friend and I recently had a conversation on this topic. I’m of the mind that if you are an asshole, I would really rather you just said so.  Come clean. Truly. That way I can make an informed decision.  It’s not great to be an asshole but at least it takes balls to admit it.  With where I’m at in my life right now, I actually don’t mind if you are an asshole. There are limits of course (don’t be a liar for example). But generally if you are fun, funny and honest about who you are, I can handle that.  I may choose to spend time with you anyway because I know what to expect.  (Sidenote: granted, this is likely not true if I’m looking for a serious relationship.)

That’s why I don’t mind meeting men in bars. I know what that’s all about. And I get to decide for myself how I want to proceed. If you fawn over me and pretend it’s something it’s not, that I’m not likely to buy.  And what I really don’t like is the men who pretend to be nice guys and then treat you like shit and fuck you over. Now that’s a real asshole to me.  And it’s dishonest, which I hate.  I suppose I understand why people cover up their dark sides. It’s not as socially acceptable. And yet, on the flip side, I have several “real nice guy” friends who just keep getting passed over (that’s another blog post!).  But I would find it refreshing if a man just said to me “I’m kind of a dick and here’s what you can expect in terms of that.”  As I type that, I have to laugh because let’s be honest, that’s not ever going to happen!

But please – and I suppose this goes for both women and men – when dating, just be who you are.  Live it. Be it.  Warts and all. The people who don’t like it won’t want you in their life, and that’s okay.  And those who make the choice to tolerate it or even like you for who you really are, well they are going into it informed.

So if you wear an asshole merit badge on the inside, how about you bring that sucker out to the front and see what happens?

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Wherever I Go,There I Am

Healing is frustrating. The ride is a bitch. Just when you think you are doing better, something knocks you back down. But I guess that’s all part of it. It’s shitty when you are in a dark place but this is when you learn, if you can find your way through it. Don’t you just hate that? Why can’t it be easier?

So here’s what’s going on for me. I’ve been on two dates with a guy after six weeks of talking online. It’s not my usual strategy but circumstances prevented us from meeting before we did.  Somehow I found myself liking him.  This is kind of a big deal for me.  I don’t develop feelings for someone easily but it happened.   And then I got scared. And freaked.  Apparently this IS my usual strategy.  Like someone – get scared of getting hurt – flip out (which can lead to anxiety for me).

So I took a little time to sit with it. I know why I get scared but I can’t help it. I also know why my anxiety kicks in. It’s my body and mind’s way of telling me that I’m not being real and honest. With myself and with the person I’m spending time with.  We all know what it takes to be appealing to (most) men and this time around I was definitely playing the game. So he didn’t know all of me – the messy me. I know it’s early but I needed to show him those other parts and then he could decide if he wanted to stick around. I so didn’t want to be THAT girl. The high maintenance girl who dumps all her crap after date 2. But I had to. For my sake. So I did.

I told him I liked him, that it scares the crap out of me, that I bolt easily, that I’m still a hot mess and needed to take things slow (even though my Vixen was leading the charge on our last date). His response was actually irrelevant to me. I needed to be my authentic self (I kind of hate that overused expression).  He told me that he was fine with taking things slow. I don’t know if I believe him (yes, my trust issues – those are mine to work through) but I do feel better.  Less anxious.  The fear of being hurt or lied to is still there but it’s a dull roar.

It does bug me that I’m still struggling with this stuff. Dating someone should be fun and exhilarating not scary. And as you know, I’m a chronic over-thinker. Some may say that I’m not ready to be dating. That may be partially true but I really believe that you have to practice in order to do it.  Each time I may get a little further past the fear. And I refuse to be that person who never takes risks, ends up regretting all the things they could have done, and who lives the rest of  their life in a cave. Alone.  And so I continue to venture forth, make mistakes, end up in dark places sometimes, and keep learning about myself.  And this most recent experience has taught me  a little more about myself.

I learned – again – that I just have to put myself out there. Warts and all.  I can’t be fun, awesome vixen all the time.  That part of me is a blast and a great distraction but there is much more.  And if I’m going to put my heart out there, the person has to know who I really am.

So here’s to just being yourself; the good and the bad.  And just being honest about it. The people worth having will love you for it. The others can go screw themselves. Because you are wonderful just the way you are. And so am I.

The Art of Breaking Up

Ah the break up. Never a nice thing. Whether you are the one being dumped or the instigator. I’m not talking about big break ups here, not the death of a serious relationship as that’s a whole different ball game with it’s own set of emotional ramifications. What I am referring to is dating related only. Breaking up with someone you are dating or just seeing on a more casual basis.

I recently ended things with Mr. North. It was really casual but it had run it’s course for me. He was a really good guy and we had fun but I realized that something just didn’t feel right to me anymore. (This was probably also the fall out of what went down with me recently with my Mr. Crush – see my last blog post.) Whatever the reason though, I realized I was done with it and needed to tell him. I have to admit that I wasn’t sure how to approach the conversation. I’m an honest person and I like to approach things in a straight-forward way but I also don’t like hurting people’s feelings. I decided, based on what I knew about this guy and the respect I have for him, that playing it straight was the way to go. So I did. And he took it really well. Kind of the best break up ever really. Possibly because we had never really talked about our feelings for each other or the future of “us”.

But it got me thinking about the art of breaking up. I think that most of us are bad at it and handle it poorly. God knows, I’ve handled breaking up with someone really badly in the past. We either wait too long, are too harsh, do something stupid instead of facing it or we just avoid it all together hoping that the relationship will die a natural death. I suppose some people are good at it, but I don’t want to be that kind of person. If you are adept at the break up, I think that says something about you. (Just generalizing here.)

I asked my peeps about their experiences when they were dating. A friend of mine recounted her story of breaking up with a guy she was dating at Kentucky Fried Chicken and he started to cry. She admits she waited too long to break up with him and eventually couldn’t stand him. You hear stories about people breaking up with someone over Facebook or texts. Harsh. I’d like to think that this is just done by teenagers without any emotional maturity but who knows if that’s true. I know lots of emotionally stunted adults.

We are all tempted to take the easy way out and avoid confrontation when breaking up with someone. Or lie and say something like you aren’t ready to date..which sucks when they find you are dating someone new. For me, at this point in my life, I want to live honestly and not have any regrets, so I prefer to take the bull by the horns, face the fear and have the conversation. I admit that I can be like a bull in a china shop sometimes (like my bull analogies here?) but I want to be truthful with people and hopefully not hurt anyone while I do that. So it’s a fine balance. One I haven’t mastered yet. But I’m okay with that.

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