Onwards and Upwards

f0a5be0ee4bb08ce41affef2eeed9045I’ve been thinking lately.  And feeling. My Wise Woman and Heart have been very active. Not in sync of course – let’s not get crazy! But they haven’t been battling like they once did, it’s been more of a civil negotiation. Together trying to sort out a situation for the past couple of months. And each took their turn at driving my bus. Kind of a cool thing actually.

Several months ago, I unexpectedly found myself faced with the decision to give someone another chance. I was assured things had changed (a laughable concept,I know). I gave a cautious Maybe.  But time went on and my walls started to come down and Heart opened itself up to the possibility. Yes, to hope. And as I’ve said before, hope is a Heart thing.  I decided to finally say yes to a relationship.  Turns out once I was standing in front of him (let’s call him the King of the Grand Gesture), he backed off emotionally. And thus the weeks went by.

Being true to my no-regrets nature, I kept trying. I knew I had to give it a real chance. For my own peace of mind. And I did.   I also made it very clear what I needed from him and expressed I wasn’t getting it.  But it still didn’t happen.  I truly believe that he’s not a bad guy. Something was just stopping him from jumping in. Fear I think.  And honestly, that’s okay. I get that. And it’s just the way he is. I accept that. But it’s not what I need in a relationship. So I called it quits on the relationship.  Was there another grand gesture? Yes of course. Did Heart want to say yes? Of course. But Wise Woman stepped up – completely aware of the pattern of this situation – held Heart’s hand, and said no. It was too late. I’m worthy of effort.  And honestly, for me, there comes a point where accepting the pattern is on me. And it’s my choice to continue to accept it or not. As difficult as that is.

And yet, today, I feel calm. This type of situation isn’t the disaster it once was. It doesn’t send me spiraling like it may have in the past.   Despite my heart being bruised, I feel empowered by my ability to see a situation for what it is, know which part of me is taking the lead and act on that.  I’m not saying I won’t slip or that I’m super woman – and if I do slip, that’s okay. I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  Because I’m doing my best. And throughout it all, I think I still act with kindness and honesty. With others and with myself.  And I’m really proud of that.

So I look forward and I see possibilities. A friend asked me recently what I am open to these days. My response? Anything.  In theory anyway.  But I haven’t been able to say that in a very long time.

And that, my friends, is what I call progress.

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Hope – A Heart Thing

hopeHope.  It’s hard to come by sometimes. Especially when you feel like life keeps kicking you down. But I believe it still lives in us – sometimes in full bloom, sometimes a small flicker. It’s not a head thing. It’s a heart thing.

I have found myself in a bizarre situation lately.  I became good friends with someone I was dating last year. It ended in January when I thought he was leaving town for good. We had a great time together and I had a lot of respect for him. It turned out that we stayed in close contact, became good friends and still saw each other several times over the last few months. Somehow, he ended up being in town more often than we thought and despite all the obstacles (distance, and an ex girlfriend who resurfaced and was coming back to town), feelings started to grow.  It really surprised us both. It was completely unexpected.  And despite going in with my eyes open, I got blindsided by our feelings. He did too.

So, yeah, somehow I found myself in a love triangle. Not my scene. You know this. I don’t know how it happened. But it did. And it became a question of him making a choice.  Which he struggled with – so I bailed.  Let me be clear that he’s not a bad guy (the situation is of course more complicated than I’m sharing here – although I’m sure that’s what everyone says). But I deserve to be the only person someone wants to be with.   I’m worth it.  My Wise Woman knows that walking away was the right thing to do. But my heart had already let him in (also unusual for me).  Damn.

Heart had started to hope. Hope that maybe I could be happy. Maybe that I could love again and be loved back.  Heart started to build up little fantasies of the future, even though I was scared.  I showed him my soft side. Being vulnerable feels uncomfortable to me but honestly, it was nice to not have to be so strong all the time.  But I had to do what was right. And doing what’s right can be hard. And I’m pissed off that I was the only one to have any balls in this situation. And thus my hope was extinguished. And I’m feeling that loss.  And the loss of him.

So I’m sad – again. And frustrated.  I guess I’ll just sit with it and hope that one of these days, I’ll have a happy story to share here. I’m sick of always being strong. Sick of all these learning experiences.  I’d like some easy for a while. I really would.

The Head-Heart Battle Rages On

dragon battle So I kind of fell apart. Kind of. I thought I was fine. I got busy and distracted and thought I was fine. But when the time came to actually have some time to myself, all my feelings about my recent “break up” came bubbling up.  The sadness, the loneliness, the insecure thoughts and self-judgement and above all the confusion. And in that confusion, the battle between my head and my heart began again.  Damn them. Fucking stop already.

But I have to admit that as much chaos as they create in me, they have a message to deliver. I wasn’t done. Of course I wasn’t done. And the mixed signals I was getting from him didn’t help. I couldn’t figure it out….who was the real him? What does he really want from me? What do I want? What the hell actually happened?  And then of course the irrational, emotional questions…will I be alone forever? Can I ever really trust anyone? Will I ever be whole again dammit? Is it me??? All this floating around. Yucky stuff I hate.

And in this frenzy, two clear voices (Vixen is silent here).  Head, who isn’t always Wise Woman – don’t be weak, don’t reach out, take back control, you know how this story will end so just walk away.  And then Heart was speaking just as clear – I need answers, something doesn’t feel right, I need to try, let’s try to be vulnerable and brave and see what happens, you are already hurt so what do you have to lose?

I have a good friend who consistently tells me that vulnerability isn’t weakness. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. The drive to act like you think you should is strong.  But I know myself and knew that I was going to take action, I couldn’t just walk away. But I also knew how the story would end. I’m not stupid. So I decided to ask for a face to face conversation.  And I got one.

In a nutshell, it turns out the man who told me he was solid, would wait for me to trust him and was ready for something serious just isn’t yet.  He thought he was but he’s not.  He got overwhelmed by a few things going on and bolted. Tried to simplify and I got swept up in that.  He’s got his own crap to work through. And you know what, THAT I can understand. Ironic that he and I are actually more alike than I thought.  And I know now that it wasn’t actually about me.

So surprisingly, I got answers. And I’m choosing to believe him.  True to my Diva Council, I also knew I had to lay it on the line.  For my own sake. I told that I still have feelings for him,  I miss him a lot,  but that we can’t be friends.  So we said goodbye. I’m thinking for good this time.  And again, as shitty as it is to feel the internal Council battle, it has served a purpose.  So now maybe I can just allow myself to feel the loss but not get lost in it the confusion. Let’s hope. But I think I’m okay. Or at least more at peace than yesterday.

Heart in the Vagina

I had drinks with some girlfriends last night and the expression “Heart in the Vagina” came up.  The concept is one all too familiar to us women. It’s when we are intimate with a guy and get emotionally attached.  Oh yeah, I’ve been there.  More times than I can count.   The expression is not only funny, it’s apt.

I don’t even know why this happens to us and not to men.  Hormones? DNA? Stupidity? Who knows?  To be honest, I’m sick of trying to understand the  man/woman dynamic, especially when it comes to dating.  Right now I don’t even care anymore.  I’ m just going to admit that we are built very differently in so many ways and it just is what it is.  I know it, so I should no longer be surprised by it.

This leads me to something I’ve been thinking about lately. Or rather someone. Vixen.

Oh Vixen, you complex yet incredibly simple creature.  (Don’t know about Vixen?) In all truthfulness, she has really only come into her own in the last year and I’m still getting to know her.  Many women struggle with being completely at ease with their Vixen.  Personally, my comfort level with her fluctuates but I like her.  A lot.  She’s edgy, kind of a badass and confident. She’s a ton of fun and letting go of  my “good girl”  is incredibly freeing.

Most of the time, she still only comes out full force when it’s safe to do so.  She’s tempered by Heart and my Wise Woman so it’s not a free for all!  Let’s be clear, Vixen isn’t just about sex.  She’s about being flirty, sexy, confident with your sensuality and powerful within yourself.  This is my time to get to know my Vixen better.  I’ve always been envious of those women who seem so comfortable and confident in their sexuality.  I’m happy to say that I’m working on it.  I don’t regret any of the crazy Vixen-led stuff I’ve done this past year.  It’s been fun, hilarious, and educational….vanilla to some of you, out there  to some others.  (Oh so many stories!) Yeah, she’s a risk taker – usually risking Heart, which can be scary.   But the way I see it, it’s all part of the journey I’m on.  So I say, bring it on Vixen and let’s see what happens.

Back to “heart in the vagina” for a moment….I’ve also been asking myself if Vixen can reach her full power without Heart by her side.  I don’t know. That seems like a much more complicated question. One I may tackle another time.  I’m not there yet.

In the meantime, vajazzle anyone?

Today I Chose Love

I did. I chose love. Or the possibility of love. I let my heart come to the forefront in the first time in over a year. She’s been hiding for a very long time, wrapped up in a whole lot of fear. A guy I had feelings for several months ago (my “Mister Crush”) let me walk away because he couldn’t admit he liked me back. And yesterday, he admitted it. We discussed it and considered trying again, for real this time. I waded through my fear and decided to take a leap of faith. Yes a big risk. A mother fucking huge risk. I made a heart decision instead of a brain decision.

But it didn’t pan out. He got scared. Like me. But he can’t see his way through it. He’s stuck there. And so, he isn’t willing – or ready – to move forward with me. I’m superbly frustrated. It’s unbelievable. It’s so infuriating that he won’t take a chance. A chance for something good. Every fiber of my being wants to fight for us. But I can’t. I can’t – and won’t – force someone to choose to be with me. It’s too bad, because I’m fucking awesome. Truly.

It all happened in a whirlwind 24 hours. I’ve felt fear, confusion, hope, excitement, disappointment, sadness, hurt, anger and strength. All in one day. This is what I have learned today:

I learned that my heart is there, thumping away, and that she made her way to the surface against all odds. And despite all my fear, she was brave today. Super fucking brave. And she’s a fighter. More of a bad ass than Vixen and Wise Woman combined when she believes in something.

I learned that when the situation is right, I can take a big risk, get let down, again, and still survive. Because, I, like my heart, am a fighter.

I learned that I continue to be honest. With myself and others. And that I wasn’t crazy those months ago with him when I knew I wasn’t in it alone emotionally even though every message I got from him was that he didn’t feel that way about me. I learned that in this situation, it’s not me, it’s him.

I learned that maybe I do want a relationship. Maybe I’m closer to being ready for that. With the right person. Instead of the random dating and some of the other ways I’ve been choosing to spend my free time lately.

And even though I learned all this in the last 24 hours, it still feels shitty. I’m really, really pissed at him and this situation! And it fucking sucks!

Today, I chose love. But love didn’t choose me back. Today.

Who Is Driving Your Bus?

Those of you who know me are becoming more familiar with what my good friend has named my “Diva Council”. It’s the three parts of me who seem to fight with each other on a daily basis these past several months. My head (named my Wise Woman) who speaks from a place of logic, experience and common sense. Her voice is pretty loud and is indeed wise. My heart (just called Heart) who rules my emotions be they fear, anxiety, joy or love. She’s in a vulnerable place these days. And then there’s my physical side (who I call Vixen) who is a naughty but fun girl and is driven by desire, spontaneity and often recklessness.

These three sides of me speak loud and clear and I’ve been learning to listen to each of them and be aware of which one is taking the lead. It’s an interesting process. But it can also be very confusing and overwhelming when they are all fighting for space inside of me and in the world. When faced with a situation I’m unsure about I’ve been trying to let them all have their say so that I can get a better grasp on how I’m feeling and then make a decision about how to proceed. It helps me make intentional decisions – whether they be good or bad ones. Sometimes it’s not so terrible to throw caution to the wind right? But at least you go into it with your eyes open. I also need to get better at letting each of them have their own separate time to guide me. For example, after a rough emotional spell, perhaps it’s best to put Vixen in the back seat and let my Wise Woman drive for a while.

Recently I’ve also discovered a fourth part of me that most people don’t listen to – or even hear – and that’s my gut. In today’s world, our instinct is often a very soft voice that we ignore or rationalize into not taking seriously. I think our instincts can be very powerful and will rarely steer us wrong. It’s just a matter of taking the time to tap into it and really listen. The problem I find is being able to distinguish between what is your instinct from other strong drivers such as fear, desire or what society tells us we should do. These things are very primal or can be very ingrained in us and they tend to scream at us so they are hard to ignore. I don’t know the answer to how to sort through this but it’s something I’ve been thinking about.

I recently ignored my gut and that was a mistake. As soon as I tapped into what my gut was telling me and took action based on it, I soon realized that I was right to trust it. So I ask you whether you are really listening to yourself – all part of yourself – and asking yourself why you are behaving or thinking the way you are. Are you going through life making decisions and behaving a certain way based on what you think you “should” be doing, or letting fear drive you, or letting your physical desires make all the choices? I don’t want you to self- judge (please don’t!), just be aware of yourself. Let your heart rule if that’s who you are, tell your “good girl” to shove it and set your Vixen free if you want to, or be rational if you prefer. Just make it a conscious choice is all.

And above all, try practicing listening to your instincts (because it does take practice), figure out what is your gut versus the other voices, and take the time to hear what it’s really telling you. And then I propose that you trust it. Completely.

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