Are You An Asshole? Just say so. Really.

Remember when that famous golfer’s life blew up? Stories of numerous indiscretions kept coming to light, one after the other. I remember thinking that his handlers did it wrong.  If I had been his PR person, I think I would have handled it differently from the start. Why pretend that you are a family man if you really just aren’t? I guess there is pressure to be a good guy. But what if you aren’t?

I spent almost ten years with someone who pretended to be someone he wasn’t.  And I think he may have done it for my sake because he believe that’s what I wanted.  It may have been the case way back then, but I could have saved myself a whole lot of heartache if he had just been true to himself from the start.

My friend and I recently had a conversation on this topic. I’m of the mind that if you are an asshole, I would really rather you just said so.  Come clean. Truly. That way I can make an informed decision.  It’s not great to be an asshole but at least it takes balls to admit it.  With where I’m at in my life right now, I actually don’t mind if you are an asshole. There are limits of course (don’t be a liar for example). But generally if you are fun, funny and honest about who you are, I can handle that.  I may choose to spend time with you anyway because I know what to expect.  (Sidenote: granted, this is likely not true if I’m looking for a serious relationship.)

That’s why I don’t mind meeting men in bars. I know what that’s all about. And I get to decide for myself how I want to proceed. If you fawn over me and pretend it’s something it’s not, that I’m not likely to buy.  And what I really don’t like is the men who pretend to be nice guys and then treat you like shit and fuck you over. Now that’s a real asshole to me.  And it’s dishonest, which I hate.  I suppose I understand why people cover up their dark sides. It’s not as socially acceptable. And yet, on the flip side, I have several “real nice guy” friends who just keep getting passed over (that’s another blog post!).  But I would find it refreshing if a man just said to me “I’m kind of a dick and here’s what you can expect in terms of that.”  As I type that, I have to laugh because let’s be honest, that’s not ever going to happen!

But please – and I suppose this goes for both women and men – when dating, just be who you are.  Live it. Be it.  Warts and all. The people who don’t like it won’t want you in their life, and that’s okay.  And those who make the choice to tolerate it or even like you for who you really are, well they are going into it informed.

So if you wear an asshole merit badge on the inside, how about you bring that sucker out to the front and see what happens?

How To Be A Stellar Wingwoman

I’ve been mulling over the concept of the wingman. You know what I’m talking about.  The guy at the bar who takes on the “friend” so his buddy can land his target.  I’m wondering how to spot the wingman. How do you know if you are the one being managed by the wingman. I don’t have the answer – so until I do, I figure let’s not be so sexist about the whole concept.  Granted women are much more likely to not have a problem hooking up if they really want to.  But for the sake of the sisterhood, if you want to help your girl (maybe she’s shy?) land the object of her desire, here are my top 10 tips to being a great wingwoman.

1. First it’s critical that take yourself off of the market for this scenario. Be very clear (mostly to yourself) that you are doing this for your friend, NOT you. So do not enter into the situation being too awesome. Your goal is to shine a light on your friend.  Remember this. And then remember it again.

2. It helps if  you don’t have the same taste in men.  We like attention and if you are both attracted to the same guy, it’s much more likely that you will screw up your wingwoman duties. Back to  #1.

3. Don’t judge. Let your friend pick the guy she wants to talk to. Don’t raise your eyebrows and shout “what?? that guy? really?”  Not cool. She likes who she likes. Don’t be a hater.

4.  Give a good pep talk.  You may need to boost your friend’s confidence. You are likely friends with her because she’s great. Remind her of that.

5. Initiate contact but don’t flirt.  Walk up to the group of guys and  be friendly but be careful, especially if talking to the guy your friend wants to meet.  Engaging too much will only make the guy think you are interested. If a guy thinks you are into him, your plan is immediately shot. So strike a balance between nice and aloof enough. Note – no touching him.  This will only send men into a “she wants me, I’m getting laid tonight” misguided frenzy. Let your friend do the touching when the time comes.

6. Talk up your friend. But don’t be too obvious about it. Here’s a scenario:  guy- “I really like this song”; you- “oh my friend so-and-so loves it too, you have to talk to her, you will love her!”  That’s not the way to do it.  Besides, with that awkward move, you’ve likely been spotted as a wingwoman.  Try this instead: guy- “I really like this song”; you – “it’s not really my thing but my friend so-and-so saw them in concert last year and said they were great live.”

7. Don’t be too overprotective.  Your girl knows what she likes, let her have it. Unless there’s a clear safety issue (or she’s way too hammered), let her make her own decisions. Don’t tell the guy you will hunt him down and stab him in the eye if he hurts her.  That will just scare him away and your friend will be thanking you for nothing.

8. Give them some space. If you know your friend is comfortable, and their conversation has started, take a bathroom break or maybe start talking to someone else before checking back in.

9. Know when to bow out. Once you know your girl is okay and you have gotten the “it’s cool” signal, you are free to leave.

10. Stay by your phone. Women check in with each other via text. Constantly. I always let my girls know what’s what and where I am. That’s how we roll. This way you know if she’s okay and having fun or if you need to go back downtown to save her.  Or maybe she will text you in the morning to ask to meet for brunch to share all the details.

So who says men are the only ones who can play the game? I don’t think women have to take one for the team the way men do. I could be wrong here but I suspect not.  But sometimes, you gotta help a sistah out!