Onwards and Upwards

f0a5be0ee4bb08ce41affef2eeed9045I’ve been thinking lately.  And feeling. My Wise Woman and Heart have been very active. Not in sync of course – let’s not get crazy! But they haven’t been battling like they once did, it’s been more of a civil negotiation. Together trying to sort out a situation for the past couple of months. And each took their turn at driving my bus. Kind of a cool thing actually.

Several months ago, I unexpectedly found myself faced with the decision to give someone another chance. I was assured things had changed (a laughable concept,I know). I gave a cautious Maybe.  But time went on and my walls started to come down and Heart opened itself up to the possibility. Yes, to hope. And as I’ve said before, hope is a Heart thing.  I decided to finally say yes to a relationship.  Turns out once I was standing in front of him (let’s call him the King of the Grand Gesture), he backed off emotionally. And thus the weeks went by.

Being true to my no-regrets nature, I kept trying. I knew I had to give it a real chance. For my own peace of mind. And I did.   I also made it very clear what I needed from him and expressed I wasn’t getting it.  But it still didn’t happen.  I truly believe that he’s not a bad guy. Something was just stopping him from jumping in. Fear I think.  And honestly, that’s okay. I get that. And it’s just the way he is. I accept that. But it’s not what I need in a relationship. So I called it quits on the relationship.  Was there another grand gesture? Yes of course. Did Heart want to say yes? Of course. But Wise Woman stepped up – completely aware of the pattern of this situation – held Heart’s hand, and said no. It was too late. I’m worthy of effort.  And honestly, for me, there comes a point where accepting the pattern is on me. And it’s my choice to continue to accept it or not. As difficult as that is.

And yet, today, I feel calm. This type of situation isn’t the disaster it once was. It doesn’t send me spiraling like it may have in the past.   Despite my heart being bruised, I feel empowered by my ability to see a situation for what it is, know which part of me is taking the lead and act on that.  I’m not saying I won’t slip or that I’m super woman – and if I do slip, that’s okay. I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  Because I’m doing my best. And throughout it all, I think I still act with kindness and honesty. With others and with myself.  And I’m really proud of that.

So I look forward and I see possibilities. A friend asked me recently what I am open to these days. My response? Anything.  In theory anyway.  But I haven’t been able to say that in a very long time.

And that, my friends, is what I call progress.

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