The Path into 2014

9d6f10e8dd63617240ffde11aa537cc52014. It’s hard to believe. I’ve let this new year sneak in without much fanfare.  I’ve been mulling over what 2013 brought me and took a peak at my bucket list for 2013. I got through most of the things on my list. What stood out was that I took chances. They didn’t pan out but I still took them and I’m glad for that.  And again, I had lots of fun and adventures.

I’ve transitioned into a new phase with men – moving away from just casual connections. Although I’ll admit that I find those easier.  I can handle knowing what someone wants from me. Relationships, now those are far more difficult for me.  I’ve met someone recently who is looking for something more serious. And it worries me. So I haven’t really let him in. I can’t figure out if it’s because it just doesn’t feel right or if it’s because I’m just not ready.  Time will tell I guess. But I have to give it – and him a chance if I ever want to know for sure.

In all honesty, I do sometimes think that I would rather just slip back into casual. Less risk you know? I’m still not in a place where a relationship seems fulfilling.  I still tend to think of them as being fraught with compromise, routine, expectations, losing myself and disappointment.  I’m not sure if that (bad) attitude will change with time or practice.  Likely a bit of both. So I’m trying to go forward with the idea that practice will be good for me.  I just hope I don’t hurt anyone along the way.  It occurs to me that perhaps I should worry less about the other person’s feelings and not make that a reason not to try something. If I’m honest about where I’m at and how I’m feeling, the other person can decide what they want to do. I can’t control that.

I find myself unsettled right now.  Over the past few years, I have set a path for myself for the year. A guiding principle if you will.  It has been helpful for me to do this. At first it was strength – to get me through a tough emotional space. Then faith. Faith in myself and that everything was going to be okay.  Last year it was bravery. The courage to take emotional risks and to just be myself.  This year I feel like I am on the cusp of knowing what I want for myself but I can’t quite grasp it. It’s something about being powerful within myself and what I stand for, while working on becoming more okay with my own vulnerability.

So while I wait for that idea to solidify for me, I’ll just sit with more of this uncertainty and hopefully things will become more clear.  You can’t force these things. As much as I would really like to.

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