My Evolutionary Discomfort

283211526_jqtWtVeW_cI feel like I’m in a rut. I have been feeling so boring lately. And I struggle with that.  This apparently is a trigger for me…I’ve been fighting it.  I feel like I used to be pretty dull – in my old life.  I lost my spark.  And one of the things I have loved about this new phase of my life is that my fun side came back.  Sure it’s been really hard but finding my light again was one of the benefits.  So yeah, I’m triggered.  But when I stop to really think about it, I’m actually in a transition phase and honestly, it’s been feeling damn uncomfortable.

I recently made the decision to not pursue casual anymore with men, to take a step back, not seek out the exhilaration. And I think that’s a good thing. But I miss the feeling, you know? The excitement. The validation.   I know that this will be a period of growth for me. But it feels  lonely.   And I don’t know what I want for the future.  My Wise Woman knows this is a time for me to learn to be okay with me – get strong within me, without men flitting about. Without constant distractions. Sit with my feelings. This will all help me to make a good choice later. But it’s really hard for me and I feel emotionally off balance. I’m scared I’ll be alone forever. I’m scared I’ll make another bad choice. And yet this current void feels bad. I’m also overwhelmed with my daily logistics. It all feels like a battle.

This may all take some time to sort out…. throughout all the parts of my Diva Council.  I want to be whole again. But differently.  I don’t ever want to lose myself again. When I’m ready, I want a relationship that doesn’t suck the life out of me, or where I’m someone’s mother, where I’m leading the charge.  Will I ever find that? Will I ever be ready?

So this may be the time to really focus on me and who I want to be.  With intention. And that may mean just sitting here with the uncertainty and loneliness and not let it take over. Let it just be what it is. Who I am. Right now.  And be okay with that. So challenging for me. I want to find the balance between having fun, shining my light bright and yet be strong with who I am, what I want, and what I won’t tolerate. Not just with men but in every part of my life.   This is just another phase….a necessary pit stop on the journey.  And I should give myself some credit.  I’ve come a long way.  So here’s to trying to have some faith that I can do this new stuff – as uncomfortable as it may be.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Sparkle & W(h)ine
    Oct 21, 2013 @ 21:35:45

    Well done, my lovely. As always, your courage roars like a lioness. Sois courageus…

    Reply

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