Be Here Now

cadb2f465f85db2e39041420f2658aa1I’ve come to the conclusion that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.  A hard lesson to learn. Especially for someone like me. Today I was thinking about moments. Moments that I haven’t connected with because I’m thinking about something else. My next move, my next joke, my next task, my next day.  Whatever.  My brain servers me well and is also my curse. I’m good at my job because I can strategize.  But what about life?

I’m starting to think that  life is perhaps more about moments. Moments that you connect with. Where you are just you and you let life in. Those are the ones that stay in your memory. They don’t always have to be important and sometimes they are brief. We spend so much time looking ahead, maybe feeling like we wish things were different, waiting to heal, expecting the other shoe to drop, saying to ourselves “if I only had…then I would…”, or simply thinking about something else and missing a cool moment altogether.

I do this and yet more and more, I’m becoming aware of it.   The moments that connected with me are the ones where I was actually really present.  The times where I was completely there.  All of me.  With my daughter during a dance party in the kitchen,  when I sat with my best friend and told her I was angry, the night I said yes to something unexpected, the call I answered when my friend was in trouble and needing a shoulder to cry on, the day I spent with someone special who held my hand and I allowed myself to feel loved … for that one day.  Letting your guard down and not thinking of the next thing – but rather just really, really being there.

It’s not an easy thing. Especially for those of us juggling a thousand responsibilities. I think maybe it takes practice. Getting out of your head can take work.  More work for some of us than others!  But I know that I do indeed let more joy and adventure into my life than I ever have before.  And I am blessed with a lot of amazing people in my life to share all these moments with.  And I’m really glad for that.

Let’s try to miss less, shall we?

Are You An Asshole? Just say so. Really.

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Remember when that famous golfer’s life blew up? Stories of numerous indiscretions kept coming to light, one after the other. I remember thinking that his handlers did it wrong.  If I had been his PR person, I think I would have handled it differently from the start. Why pretend that you are a family man if you really just aren’t? I guess there is pressure to be a good guy. But what if you aren’t?

I spent almost ten years with someone who pretended to be someone he wasn’t.  And I think he may have done it for my sake because he believe that’s what I wanted.  It may have been the case way back then, but I could have saved myself a whole lot of heartache if he had just been true to himself from the start.

My friend and I recently had a conversation on this topic. I’m of the mind that if you are an asshole, I would really rather you just said so.  Come clean. Truly. That way I can make an informed decision.  It’s not great to be an asshole but at least it takes balls to admit it.  With where I’m at in my life right now, I actually don’t mind if you are an asshole. There are limits of course (don’t be a liar for example). But generally if you are fun, funny and honest about who you are, I can handle that.  I may choose to spend time with you anyway because I know what to expect.  (Sidenote: granted, this is likely not true if I’m looking for a serious relationship.)

That’s why I don’t mind meeting men in bars. I know what that’s all about. And I get to decide for myself how I want to proceed. If you fawn over me and pretend it’s something it’s not, that I’m not likely to buy.  And what I really don’t like is the men who pretend to be nice guys and then treat you like shit and fuck you over. Now that’s a real asshole to me.  And it’s dishonest, which I hate.  I suppose I understand why people cover up their dark sides. It’s not as socially acceptable. And yet, on the flip side, I have several “real nice guy” friends who just keep getting passed over (that’s another blog post!).  But I would find it refreshing if a man just said to me “I’m kind of a dick and here’s what you can expect in terms of that.”  As I type that, I have to laugh because let’s be honest, that’s not ever going to happen!

But please – and I suppose this goes for both women and men – when dating, just be who you are.  Live it. Be it.  Warts and all. The people who don’t like it won’t want you in their life, and that’s okay.  And those who make the choice to tolerate it or even like you for who you really are, well they are going into it informed.

So if you wear an asshole merit badge on the inside, how about you bring that sucker out to the front and see what happens?

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