Hope – A Heart Thing

hopeHope.  It’s hard to come by sometimes. Especially when you feel like life keeps kicking you down. But I believe it still lives in us – sometimes in full bloom, sometimes a small flicker. It’s not a head thing. It’s a heart thing.

I have found myself in a bizarre situation lately.  I became good friends with someone I was dating last year. It ended in January when I thought he was leaving town for good. We had a great time together and I had a lot of respect for him. It turned out that we stayed in close contact, became good friends and still saw each other several times over the last few months. Somehow, he ended up being in town more often than we thought and despite all the obstacles (distance, and an ex girlfriend who resurfaced and was coming back to town), feelings started to grow.  It really surprised us both. It was completely unexpected.  And despite going in with my eyes open, I got blindsided by our feelings. He did too.

So, yeah, somehow I found myself in a love triangle. Not my scene. You know this. I don’t know how it happened. But it did. And it became a question of him making a choice.  Which he struggled with – so I bailed.  Let me be clear that he’s not a bad guy (the situation is of course more complicated than I’m sharing here – although I’m sure that’s what everyone says). But I deserve to be the only person someone wants to be with.   I’m worth it.  My Wise Woman knows that walking away was the right thing to do. But my heart had already let him in (also unusual for me).  Damn.

Heart had started to hope. Hope that maybe I could be happy. Maybe that I could love again and be loved back.  Heart started to build up little fantasies of the future, even though I was scared.  I showed him my soft side. Being vulnerable feels uncomfortable to me but honestly, it was nice to not have to be so strong all the time.  But I had to do what was right. And doing what’s right can be hard. And I’m pissed off that I was the only one to have any balls in this situation. And thus my hope was extinguished. And I’m feeling that loss.  And the loss of him.

So I’m sad – again. And frustrated.  I guess I’ll just sit with it and hope that one of these days, I’ll have a happy story to share here. I’m sick of always being strong. Sick of all these learning experiences.  I’d like some easy for a while. I really would.

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