The Head-Heart Battle Rages On

dragon battle So I kind of fell apart. Kind of. I thought I was fine. I got busy and distracted and thought I was fine. But when the time came to actually have some time to myself, all my feelings about my recent “break up” came bubbling up.  The sadness, the loneliness, the insecure thoughts and self-judgement and above all the confusion. And in that confusion, the battle between my head and my heart began again.  Damn them. Fucking stop already.

But I have to admit that as much chaos as they create in me, they have a message to deliver. I wasn’t done. Of course I wasn’t done. And the mixed signals I was getting from him didn’t help. I couldn’t figure it out….who was the real him? What does he really want from me? What do I want? What the hell actually happened?  And then of course the irrational, emotional questions…will I be alone forever? Can I ever really trust anyone? Will I ever be whole again dammit? Is it me??? All this floating around. Yucky stuff I hate.

And in this frenzy, two clear voices (Vixen is silent here).  Head, who isn’t always Wise Woman – don’t be weak, don’t reach out, take back control, you know how this story will end so just walk away.  And then Heart was speaking just as clear – I need answers, something doesn’t feel right, I need to try, let’s try to be vulnerable and brave and see what happens, you are already hurt so what do you have to lose?

I have a good friend who consistently tells me that vulnerability isn’t weakness. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. The drive to act like you think you should is strong.  But I know myself and knew that I was going to take action, I couldn’t just walk away. But I also knew how the story would end. I’m not stupid. So I decided to ask for a face to face conversation.  And I got one.

In a nutshell, it turns out the man who told me he was solid, would wait for me to trust him and was ready for something serious just isn’t yet.  He thought he was but he’s not.  He got overwhelmed by a few things going on and bolted. Tried to simplify and I got swept up in that.  He’s got his own crap to work through. And you know what, THAT I can understand. Ironic that he and I are actually more alike than I thought.  And I know now that it wasn’t actually about me.

So surprisingly, I got answers. And I’m choosing to believe him.  True to my Diva Council, I also knew I had to lay it on the line.  For my own sake. I told that I still have feelings for him,  I miss him a lot,  but that we can’t be friends.  So we said goodbye. I’m thinking for good this time.  And again, as shitty as it is to feel the internal Council battle, it has served a purpose.  So now maybe I can just allow myself to feel the loss but not get lost in it the confusion. Let’s hope. But I think I’m okay. Or at least more at peace than yesterday.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Sparkle & W(h)ine
    Mar 26, 2013 @ 01:36:25

    Oh, honey, I hate to hear you struggle and hurt but love to see how strong you always are on the other side. I know YOU don’t feel the strength a lot of the time and you don’t see how “together” you are because the council always makes you feel like so many separate entities but, darling, you are truly one of the most solidly together women that I know. Your divas have their personas working so finely tuned that you scarcely miss a beat, my love! Don’t let the charmers fool you for a second, because you never really give them the chance to anyway. I’m so very proud of every step you’ve taken on this roller coaster ride. You have far surpassed my attempts at bravery and chutzpah! Hugs and kudos to you. Miss you much.

    Reply

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