The Head-Heart Battle Rages On

dragon battle So I kind of fell apart. Kind of. I thought I was fine. I got busy and distracted and thought I was fine. But when the time came to actually have some time to myself, all my feelings about my recent “break up” came bubbling up.  The sadness, the loneliness, the insecure thoughts and self-judgement and above all the confusion. And in that confusion, the battle between my head and my heart began again.  Damn them. Fucking stop already.

But I have to admit that as much chaos as they create in me, they have a message to deliver. I wasn’t done. Of course I wasn’t done. And the mixed signals I was getting from him didn’t help. I couldn’t figure it out….who was the real him? What does he really want from me? What do I want? What the hell actually happened?  And then of course the irrational, emotional questions…will I be alone forever? Can I ever really trust anyone? Will I ever be whole again dammit? Is it me??? All this floating around. Yucky stuff I hate.

And in this frenzy, two clear voices (Vixen is silent here).  Head, who isn’t always Wise Woman – don’t be weak, don’t reach out, take back control, you know how this story will end so just walk away.  And then Heart was speaking just as clear – I need answers, something doesn’t feel right, I need to try, let’s try to be vulnerable and brave and see what happens, you are already hurt so what do you have to lose?

I have a good friend who consistently tells me that vulnerability isn’t weakness. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. The drive to act like you think you should is strong.  But I know myself and knew that I was going to take action, I couldn’t just walk away. But I also knew how the story would end. I’m not stupid. So I decided to ask for a face to face conversation.  And I got one.

In a nutshell, it turns out the man who told me he was solid, would wait for me to trust him and was ready for something serious just isn’t yet.  He thought he was but he’s not.  He got overwhelmed by a few things going on and bolted. Tried to simplify and I got swept up in that.  He’s got his own crap to work through. And you know what, THAT I can understand. Ironic that he and I are actually more alike than I thought.  And I know now that it wasn’t actually about me.

So surprisingly, I got answers. And I’m choosing to believe him.  True to my Diva Council, I also knew I had to lay it on the line.  For my own sake. I told that I still have feelings for him,  I miss him a lot,  but that we can’t be friends.  So we said goodbye. I’m thinking for good this time.  And again, as shitty as it is to feel the internal Council battle, it has served a purpose.  So now maybe I can just allow myself to feel the loss but not get lost in it the confusion. Let’s hope. But I think I’m okay. Or at least more at peace than yesterday.

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A Stumble

3923bf7fc1056717def54cad656a0bcaI jumped. And it didn’t work out. Things ended with my tattooed boy. It was only five weeks together but we really liked each other.  And still do. It didn’t end because of that – it was more because of lifestyle differences, uncertainty of how we fit into each other’s lives and perhaps we were at different stages and ultimately looking for different things. In the end, it was a mutual decision. It’s probably best it ended now before we got in any deeper.

The five weeks were really lovely. I felt excited and happy. He is a good guy. And I jumped. A big deal for me and I did it. I don’t regret it. Not for a second. In fact, I’m glad for it. And we ended things well; with compassion, honesty and affection.  We may even be able to be friends. And so my harem of good guy friends keeps growing.

Yeah I’m sad. It’s unfortunate that my leap of faith didn’t pan out. But it wasn’t fruitless. Yet again, I’ve learned things about myself. I’m still brave and I can push myself out of my comfort zone. I’m open to trying something different and I may be one step closer to learning what I want and need in a relationship.  I thought that moving into more exclusive dating would be easier somehow but it’s not. Not just from my end of things but from theirs. At this stage, I think I’m going to need a man who is strong and confident in himself, who is patient and who can ride out my crazy while I still figure all this out and continue my healing.

I was also told by yet another man that I have a lot of rules. I’m thinking about this. It would appear that I draw a lot of lines in the sand with men – regarding the time I make for them, the role my friends play in my life, keeping my daughter separate and yeah, sex.  I don’t make a lot of room for someone.  I put them in a box, don’t integrate them into my life at all and I “manage” it all very closely. But I know why that is. It’s all about protection.  And I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing – at first. But eventually I will have to make the space, or at least let them know there is the potential for that. Once they have proven themselves to me. Harsh but that’s how I feel right now.  It’s something to look at though.

I have also come to realize that I still put all my shit out on the table right from the start. I like to manage expectations (there’s that “manage” word again). Kind of like – here it is buddy, now you know what you are getting yourself into, I’m scared and I don’t trust easily, if you can handle that, bring it. I always want to people to be straight with me and I need to know where I stand. And I offer up the same. But  I can see how that seems intense, intimidating and perhaps seen as more limits.  I won’t compromise honesty but perhaps I can present it differently.  A guy friend told me recently that I was all chainsaw and no scalpel. This may be true.

I know I have prickles.  They are there for a reason.  But I also have wonderful qualities and a lot to offer. I’m worth getting past the prickles. And they may eventually dull down.  So these are all the things I’ve learned and thought about during this experience. But most of all, I know I can take a chance, have feelings for someone, be weird and wonderful at the same time, and my fear is less than it used to be.  Those are all very good things.

I do miss him already but that’s okay. I feel unsure and uncertain of where to go from here.  But it’s early days yet. I’ll be okay.  I stumbled but I haven’t fallen down…

Rolling The Dice

c77caa95e43d3d90fe883c828a524641 Well I guess the time has come.  I’m rolling the dice and we will see what happens. I’ve met someone new. Someone emotionally available.  I know, it’s unheard of for me. Crazy! But there it is. And I’m taking a chance.  On a lot of levels.

He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever dated before. Completely different – in the way he looks, type of job, his history… everything.  But he seems open, communicative, honest, kind and funny.  And he’s covered in tattoos. Which as it turns out, I like.  A lot.

I’ve already had to readjust the way I think. I don’t like to admit it but I was brought up to believe certain things about blue collar men. I hate that. And I don’t actually believe that I’m better than someone who has a different life than I do and yet it’s there in me, somewhere deep.  In terms of someone I date anyway. So I’ve had to look at that.  And that’s a good thing.  He tells me he’s never dated anyone like me either. So it’s new for both of us.

Also new territory for me is spending time with someone who may want something more from me. And that’s scary.  Really scary. All the men I’ve dated in the past year and a half have been casual situations. Great guys but non-committal all the same. And that’s been my choice. It’s worked for me. And I’ve learned from all of them.

But here I am, on the precipice of taking a big leap of faith. My trust is very fragile. I know this to be true and I’ve already experienced it with him.  It’s going to be a challenge for me.  I may bolt. He may think I’m a nut job. But I have to take a chance. He’s said he will wait for me and earn my trust. We shall see. I don’t trust men to not screw me over or lie to me. Hopefully this experience will help me stretch in this area. So here’s to hoping he’s not a douche and just telling me all the things I need to hear. No snake eyes please.

So I’m going to jump….or try to.  And hopefully those nice tattooed arms will catch me.  And if not, I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep walking forward.  And try again.

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