Wherever I Go,There I Am

Healing is frustrating. The ride is a bitch. Just when you think you are doing better, something knocks you back down. But I guess that’s all part of it. It’s shitty when you are in a dark place but this is when you learn, if you can find your way through it. Don’t you just hate that? Why can’t it be easier?

So here’s what’s going on for me. I’ve been on two dates with a guy after six weeks of talking online. It’s not my usual strategy but circumstances prevented us from meeting before we did.  Somehow I found myself liking him.  This is kind of a big deal for me.  I don’t develop feelings for someone easily but it happened.   And then I got scared. And freaked.  Apparently this IS my usual strategy.  Like someone – get scared of getting hurt – flip out (which can lead to anxiety for me).

So I took a little time to sit with it. I know why I get scared but I can’t help it. I also know why my anxiety kicks in. It’s my body and mind’s way of telling me that I’m not being real and honest. With myself and with the person I’m spending time with.  We all know what it takes to be appealing to (most) men and this time around I was definitely playing the game. So he didn’t know all of me – the messy me. I know it’s early but I needed to show him those other parts and then he could decide if he wanted to stick around. I so didn’t want to be THAT girl. The high maintenance girl who dumps all her crap after date 2. But I had to. For my sake. So I did.

I told him I liked him, that it scares the crap out of me, that I bolt easily, that I’m still a hot mess and needed to take things slow (even though my Vixen was leading the charge on our last date). His response was actually irrelevant to me. I needed to be my authentic self (I kind of hate that overused expression).  He told me that he was fine with taking things slow. I don’t know if I believe him (yes, my trust issues – those are mine to work through) but I do feel better.  Less anxious.  The fear of being hurt or lied to is still there but it’s a dull roar.

It does bug me that I’m still struggling with this stuff. Dating someone should be fun and exhilarating not scary. And as you know, I’m a chronic over-thinker. Some may say that I’m not ready to be dating. That may be partially true but I really believe that you have to practice in order to do it.  Each time I may get a little further past the fear. And I refuse to be that person who never takes risks, ends up regretting all the things they could have done, and who lives the rest of  their life in a cave. Alone.  And so I continue to venture forth, make mistakes, end up in dark places sometimes, and keep learning about myself.  And this most recent experience has taught me  a little more about myself.

I learned – again – that I just have to put myself out there. Warts and all.  I can’t be fun, awesome vixen all the time.  That part of me is a blast and a great distraction but there is much more.  And if I’m going to put my heart out there, the person has to know who I really am.

So here’s to just being yourself; the good and the bad.  And just being honest about it. The people worth having will love you for it. The others can go screw themselves. Because you are wonderful just the way you are. And so am I.

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