First Date Negotiations (Video)

This first date negotiation is classic. If only people were more straightforward like these two are. Of course it’s tongue in cheek but wouldn’t it make things simpler?


Getting to Okay


Wrong. It’s not that easy. Being okay takes time, honesty, introspection, courage, support, being both gentle and strong within yourself, and a whole lot of brutal work.

A year ago tomorrow my world shook yet again with the discovery of an ugly truth. It changed me forever. In ways I’m still struggling with but ultimately for the better I think. I’m stronger now. I see myself more clearly – both in who I am and who I want to be. I’ve received so many gifts and felt a lot of pain. I’ve fallen down time and time again but I keep dusting myself off, standing back up with my head held high, and walking forward into another day.

I’m still healing. I’m still not totally okay. But I like my life and love the people who I have chosen to be in it. I don’t have regrets. I feel joy and laugh often. I’m like a dragon, born from war, breathing fire, beautiful and strong, and with a soft underbelly that I acknowledge but will only expose to those I trust.

This is all to say that I’m well on my way to being okay. So if you need it, take this: you too will get there.

Being okay takes time, honesty, introspection, courage, support, being both gentle and strong within yourself, and a whole lot of brutal work….one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at at time. But you can do it. Have faith.

The Blue Balls Effect

You learn some things being single. Granted, some things you don’t want to know but other things – about men – can be interesting and at times helpful. I’m here to tell you what I’ve learned about “blue balls”.

I used to think that blue balls was something that guys invented to get you to sleep with them. Out of pity or guilt because you didn’t want them to be in pain? Who knows. I’m sure it has been used as a line for that purpose which is really lame (so don’t fall for it!)  But apparently blue balls is real. It’s not a myth! And it can really hurt.

It happens when a guy gets an erection – or several – in one sitting without getting a happy ending.  The blood keeps rushing to the jewels and things get engorged with nowhere to go. So yeah, apparently that hurts.  Quite a lot. So ladies, if you are at the fun dating stage with a man where you are just making out, there’s no chance of sex, and you get asked to leave or your groping session gets cut short, this is why. Don’t take it personally. It could just be that they can’t handle it.  This has happened to me. I was in a state of incredulousness as things were going really well; it was hot and really fun.  But I guess make-out sessions are more enjoyable for women than men due to the blue ball effect.

I asked a male friend about this phenomenon recently as I was curious about it. He describes it as a dull ache (which is less intense than I’d been led to believe to a couple of men). But then he shared his secret….before a date where he knows sex won’t happen, he will take care of his own business beforehand. Very interesting! And actually a good strategy.

So there you go. Ladies, if you get abandoned suddenly this may be why. It’s not necessarily you (unless you are actually a clingy psycho), it’s the jewels baby!  And men, try out the pre-date salami slap if you don’t already. Because most women I know really enjoy a good make-out and we aren’t trying to be a tease. And you want to please us, right??? Right!

Just one more tidbit of information to keep in your back pocket. You can thank me later.

The YoYo of Letting Go

Why is letting go of something or someone so hard? You can walk away, know you’ve made the right decision and then somehow you find yourself right back there. It’s infuriating.

I guess it’s because you haven’t really closed the door, you just pretended to. Or you wanted to let go and you just aren’t ready. Maybe you just aren’t done. Something is keeping you there, so the door remains ajar. The light from behind that door keeps luring you back in.

Today I’m feeling cynical. I wonder what needs of my own are being met by not walking away once and for all and slamming that door shut. A need for connection? Fantasy? Loneliness? Probably all of the above. And I’m pissing myself off. I know better. I just can’t seem to get there. I keep going back to something that is going nowhere. And yet, I also keep trying to walk away from it.

Hopefully this fucked up thing I have going on will be settled once and for all. At some point. At least I sure hope so. When I’m strong enough. When I’ve truly decided that for myself. Because I obviously haven’t committed to that decision yet – even though I keep trying to make it over and over again.  And it is my decision. Mine alone. My actions are my own to manage and control. I’m in charge of my life.

But in the meantime, I’m frustrated with myself. So for now I’ll feel pissed off at me. But tomorrow I’ll try take a step forward again. And maybe another step forward the day after that. Because there’s no sense in going back.

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