First Date Overthinking

I guess I’m a blogger now. Not a big fancy popular one of course, but a blogger all the same. It can be hard to know where to draw the line around what to share. Yeah, we all know I’m a sharer. At times a cringe-worthy sharer. But sometimes I want to write about a really specific situation and I don’t do it because I wonder whether the person I’m talking about will read the post. What they will think? In general and of me. And will they be offended? ….So I’m debating.

Ah fuck it. It’s my truth and when have I ever held my tongue before?

I have a date on Saturday. I’m meeting a guy in person that I’ve been talking to for a couple of weeks over the phone, email and text.  It’s not an online dating hook up, it was actually an introduction through a mutual friend. Third party validation is good!  At first I was unsure. As you know, I’m gun shy. Of lots of things, but especially of getting too close to someone and getting hurt (see my last post).  I’m a middle of the night bailer remember?  So I didn’t invest anything. After all, it was just talking – no face to face contact.  And I wasn’t sure how into it I was.  But then days went on and somehow I have found myself looking forward to talking to him and today I thought about him a lot and was really excited about meeting him this weekend. How did I find myself here?

Of course, I’m still me. Which means that now I’m over-thinking (remember that post?) and doubting that this can actually go well.  Am I actually crushing on someone I’ve never met?(yeah I’ve done that before too!)  Did I somehow let him in a little? Or am I just liking the feeling of a crush?  I’m not over-thinking in that I’m wondering where this might go, or could I be hurt by this person (which is good). It’s more that I’m suspicious of myself. I keep thinking that I’ll meet him and the chemistry won’t be there. Maybe he won’t like me. Maybe I won’t like him.  I’ll have to back-peddle from the flirting I’ve done and dirty texts I’ve sent (oh yeah!).  And it will be awkward. And then what? We just don’t talk anymore?

It’s ridiculous.  I’m ridiculous.

So as I write this – which is essentially just a download of my current feelings – I’m officially going to try to stop being so lame.  I’m just going to attempt to enjoy the feeling I have right now and go with it.  This is no big deal.  It’s a first date for fuck’s sake.  Maybe we will hit it off, maybe I’ll get a good makeout session out of it (my vote!!), maybe I’ll get some action, maybe we will just be friends, maybe we will never talk again.  It’s all fine. It actually is.

So now that I have my chill pill prescription, I think I’ll pack something sexy to wear just in case. Meow!

The Other Monster

It’s amazing what a strong hold fear can have on a person. For me, it’s the fear of getting hurt again. Of emotionally investing in someone and getting my heart broken again.

It’s not that surprising really. I’ve always struggled with commitment. In most of my relationships in the past I’ve had one foot out the door. Except for my last long term relationship. That was one that I was completely devoted to and then crushed by betrayal. How does one really get over that? That fear that it will just happen again if I let someone in?

I know that it’s said that you can’t bring your past relationships into new ones. But how is that possible? Your past experiences shape who you are. I know in my head that not all men are bad guys. But my heart can’t seem to get on board with that. It has no faith. It doesn’t want to open itself up to hurt again. So every time I feel myself getting close to someone, I panic. I know that I can’t let in good things (love??) if I’m not willing to take a risk. But that’s a very tall order for me.

About seven months ago, I started to experience anxiety. Not every day but it rears its ugly head when I’m feeling particularly fearful or when I’m not allowing my true emotions be present. Anxiety is a horrible thing. And very common. Since admitting my anxiety to others, it’s amazing how many other women I know experience it too.

So how am I to move forward and give a guy – potentially a nice guy who isn’t going to hurt me – a chance? I really have no idea. I don’t want my fear to rule me and yet it’s very present in my life. And I’m really not sure what to do about it. Acknowledge it maybe. Feel it. And try to walk through it? I don’t know if I can. And I don’t know how. But I’ll try. I don’t want one bad experience, as horrible as it was, define me. Or hold me back from the possibility of something good.

So I’ll take it day by day, moment by moment if I have to. And hopefully I’ll get there. In time. Because I deserve to be happy.

A Druid, a Nudist, and a boy called Nancy

I have asked some of my friends to submit their online dating stories to me as guest bloggers. Some have offered to tell me their stories for me to write.  This particular post however was written and sent to me by a high school friend who is a super cool chick and yet shall remain nameless….

Online dating has got to be the weirdest way to meet someone. You put a picture of yourself on a website add a description you hope will attract someone else and hope for the best. Meanwhile, you are looking over pictures and descriptions of other people to see if anything catches your eye. It can be like a big ole catalog of crazy, let me tell you!  Once you contact someone who looks fairly normal in their picture and does not sound like a freak you may decide to meet in person. That is where the psycho tends to peek out. Allow me to drag you down memory lane…

There was the guy who told me at the end of a crappy meal that I was nice enough to buy dinner for and that he would take care of my half. What? YOU asked ME out, cheapskate. I had wanted to meet at the park. Another guy did not believe in talking during meals. Have you ever tried to be silent in a restaurant when you are eating with someone? I can’t even do that if I am alone and have a book to read! I am pretty sure he dressed up in his dead Mother’s clothes late at night and knit tuxedos for his cat. Then there was gun guy. Seriously. He wanted to meet at a convenience store in the vicinity of both of our houses. When I walked up to his car to say hello I saw a pistol in the middle of the front seat and beat a hasty retreat. He was the only truly scary person I met. The rest were just weirdoes. One guy wanted to cut my hair. He was probably knitting himself a wig or stuffing a pillow with girl hair. He just gave off that sort of vibe. And let’s not forget the many many guys who posted the picture that was taken on their birthday – in High School. Funny, you do not look like your picture. Do you still drive the 1988 Honda Civic you were sitting on?

You may be asking, “Didn’t you meet anyone you DID like?” Well, of course I did! I had a few romances but they did not last and I am OK with that. I finally found love while buying salmon but that is another story. If I were to make a commercial for an online dating service it would go something like this…

Picture a softly lit restaurant with a piano playing in the background, wine glasses clinking as couples around the room toast each other. Now look at a man across the table saying “I am a Druid Nudist..” [click! next man], “I live with my Mom so you can’t come over. She does not like me to date” [click!] “I would LOOOOVE to see you in a renaissance dress and then out of one…” [click!] “The last woman I dated had herpes but I was careful. Care to go back to my place for a drink?” [click!] “You know, if your brains and personality were in a nicer body I could really fall in love with you.” [CLICK!!!] “I really am not that into meeting someone for anything long term. Wanna fuck?” [click] “If we make love will you tie me up and call me Nancy?” “CHECK PLEASE!!” [fade to black]

Fishing Stories

Yeah fishing. Not 20120208-165103.jpgquite dating. I haven’t gotten so far as an actual date yet. I’ve been messaged, tagged as a “favourite” or “I want to meet you” by a bunch of guys. But not many have struck my fancy.  The pickings are slim.

There’s no super-sparks yet but here’s where I’m at today;

Mr. Intense: seemed like a good guy but turned out to be way too emotionally intense for me. I really think we are looking for different things. I want light and fun, he wanted serious. I’m just not there. I gave him a bit of a chance via messages, texts and phone calls but in the end I bailed on a meeting because it just didn’t feel right. Admittedly I didn’t handle my exit very well. I waited too long. I’m hoping to get better at that.

Mr. Navy: We’ve been chatting and he seems nice, funny and we have some things in common. I have nothing against navy guys but the lifestyle isn’t for me. I know this. Good thing I’m not looking for anything long term. I suspect he’s not really my type but I’m going to try to meet up with him-as friends.

Mr. North: This was a connection made through a mutual friend. He’s nice, funny, very cute (and big!) and we get along. He also likes the same geeky stuff I do. We’ve emailed, texted and talked on the phone twice for over an hour each time. The only glitch is that he lives really far from me. Like 20 hours away by car. I’m not really sure what we are doing but what the hell right? My vixen has been MIA lately so it’s fine so far. Until she shows herself and then I’m not sure what I’ll do. Naughty emails? I’m good at that. We shall see.

So there’s my update for those of you who were wondering…or living vicariously through me.

And I have a hilarious cougar story that I’ll tease you with but probably never tell!

Here’s to fishing!!

 

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