Who Is Driving Your Bus?

Those of you who know me are becoming more familiar with what my good friend has named my “Diva Council”. It’s the three parts of me who seem to fight with each other on a daily basis these past several months. My head (named my Wise Woman) who speaks from a place of logic, experience and common sense. Her voice is pretty loud and is indeed wise. My heart (just called Heart) who rules my emotions be they fear, anxiety, joy or love. She’s in a vulnerable place these days. And then there’s my physical side (who I call Vixen) who is a naughty but fun girl and is driven by desire, spontaneity and often recklessness.

These three sides of me speak loud and clear and I’ve been learning to listen to each of them and be aware of which one is taking the lead. It’s an interesting process. But it can also be very confusing and overwhelming when they are all fighting for space inside of me and in the world. When faced with a situation I’m unsure about I’ve been trying to let them all have their say so that I can get a better grasp on how I’m feeling and then make a decision about how to proceed. It helps me make intentional decisions – whether they be good or bad ones. Sometimes it’s not so terrible to throw caution to the wind right? But at least you go into it with your eyes open. I also need to get better at letting each of them have their own separate time to guide me. For example, after a rough emotional spell, perhaps it’s best to put Vixen in the back seat and let my Wise Woman drive for a while.

Recently I’ve also discovered a fourth part of me that most people don’t listen to – or even hear – and that’s my gut. In today’s world, our instinct is often a very soft voice that we ignore or rationalize into not taking seriously. I think our instincts can be very powerful and will rarely steer us wrong. It’s just a matter of taking the time to tap into it and really listen. The problem I find is being able to distinguish between what is your instinct from other strong drivers such as fear, desire or what society tells us we should do. These things are very primal or can be very ingrained in us and they tend to scream at us so they are hard to ignore. I don’t know the answer to how to sort through this but it’s something I’ve been thinking about.

I recently ignored my gut and that was a mistake. As soon as I tapped into what my gut was telling me and took action based on it, I soon realized that I was right to trust it. So I ask you whether you are really listening to yourself – all part of yourself – and asking yourself why you are behaving or thinking the way you are. Are you going through life making decisions and behaving a certain way based on what you think you “should” be doing, or letting fear drive you, or letting your physical desires make all the choices? I don’t want you to self- judge (please don’t!), just be aware of yourself. Let your heart rule if that’s who you are, tell your “good girl” to shove it and set your Vixen free if you want to, or be rational if you prefer. Just make it a conscious choice is all.

And above all, try practicing listening to your instincts (because it does take practice), figure out what is your gut versus the other voices, and take the time to hear what it’s really telling you. And then I propose that you trust it. Completely.

Are We Text Dating?

The way we use technology these days makes dating is a very interesting affair.  We may meet online, or email/text for days before actually having a real date.  It creates a fake connection with someone before you get to experience one another face to face.  Sometimes this works and other times, it really doesn’t.

I’ll admit that I’m guilty of the frequent emailing or texting before spending time with a guy in person. I have to say that I kinda like it though.  It’s really fun to talk and flirt over email and text.  For me, I put myself out there more. I’m more honest but also more cheeky than I would be in person.  But that in itself can lead to problems.

Here’s the scenario. You’ve flirted over text. He’s nice. You like the attention.  You have your date. He’s cute.  You are unsure of how you feel but you take a risk anyway because of your “fake connection”.  You kiss him.  You realize right away that was a mistake. Then what do you do? Ah shit.

Now it makes it hard to stop things.  And in all honesty, it is kind of unfair to the other person because it feels like it’s more than just your first date you know? So now you feel like crap.

Yeah I’ve had this experience (obviously).  And I’ve also had the date go really well and all the talking and flirting helped.  So what have I learned here?  I ask because I do keep learning more about myself through these dating experiences.  Well I’m not sure really. I’m probably not going to stop flirting because…well because, I’m a shameless flirt. I am. I know it.  I gotta let my vixen out!  But maybe I need to keep it to a dull meow over my mobile.

And perhaps if I’m feeling unsure about going in for the kiss, I should restrain myself (what? self control? what’s that?!).  Seriously though,  I don’t want to stop taking risks but I also don’t like hurting people’s feelings.   I suppose if we are both feeling it, there will be another date.  And I can get my kiss-on then, right?  Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

A good plan until the next time I fuck it all up!   Ah the chaos that is me….poor boys….

Just keep swimming….

Rules of the Game

Like everything else, men and women approach dating differently. I’ve been thinking about people’s dating “rules”. Thus far I only have two. #1: I won’t be friends with new boys on Facebook. This came from a friend of mine and it’s a good one. Facebook creeping is just too tempting you know? #2: I won’t introduce them to my kid. If you are just dating, there is absolutely no need for this introduction in my opinion. For a lot of reasons. So there. Those are my only two rules.

I thought it would be interesting to poll my peeps to see what other people’s dating rules were. We are talking first few dates here. Let’s start with my girls….

  • No sex on the first date.
  • No sleepovers until committed .
  • Always have your own ride home (my car or money for a cab).
  • I’ll never agree to a full day date.
  • I’ll NEVER, EVER crush on a friends boyfriend (ex or current).
  • I pay for my own meal.
  • I won’t date customers or give out my work email address.
  • I won’t show them my place until I know it’s going somewhere.
  • I won’t respond to a booty call.
  • I steer clear of introducing them to my friends too early, their initial opinions may affect my judgment.
  • Don’t drink too much.

A few tips from them about what would send them running: bad table manners, bad shoes, or he still lives with his parents.

I also asked four men that I know for their contributions to this topic – two of them married, two of them single. So here are their dating rules:

  • I always keep it light and fun.
  • Don’t take them home on the first date, they may be crazy.
  • (Another take on the above) If I actually want to date a woman, I won’t try to sleep with them on the first few dates.
  • The timing of disclosing personal information is important – don’t spill out your whole history too soon.
  • I don’t mind paying for dinner and a movie.
  • I won’t share my sexual history and they shouldn’t share theirs.
  • I will never hold her purse.
  • I will never call her the next day (there is disagreement from them on this one – another guy said if he had a good time, he would call or text to tell her so).

Perhaps more interesting is what the guys said would make them run in the other direction. Check these out:

  • If the girl wants to hook up right away.
  • If the girl goes on and on about her ex.
  • If she asks too many questions and I feel like its an inquisition.
  • If she starts talking about future relationship goals and within the first few dates I know she wants kids in the next two years.
  • If she can’t hold a decent conversation and has no sense of humour.
  • She asks when she can see me again and what does this all mean?
  • Anything that makes her sound like a princess (or she’s a bitch to the servers).
  • Doesn’t stop talking.
  • She’s too into superficial things including her looks.

I think people took my question about dating rules in different ways. For some, like me, rules mean things that I won’t do because of my values and because I know myself. Others interpret it as who they won’t date. We all have things that are a turn off or deal-breakers but I wonder if having too many dating rules is limiting. One friend asked “Why the fuck does an adult who is capable of keeping themselves safe need rules?” Good point.

Of course, keep yourself safe, be smart and stay true to yourself – this is a no brainer. But really, isn’t dating supposed to be fun? So I say try different things, spend time with different types of people, go outside of your comfort zone a little and I encourage a few bad dating decisions. You never know what you might find when you take a risk. You could have a great time! But I still won’t be friends with you on Facebook.

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