Commitments To Me

Six months ago, I wrote a list of commitments to myself.  Robin, the  fellow blogger I mentioned a couple of posts ago, just wrote a  post about vows to herself and future partners which is what reminded me of mine.

Anyway, here are the my commitments to myself back in April of this year:

1. Be okay with whatever I am feeling in the moment. This is new for me. I often stay within an emotional “box”, either being stoic or just pushing down my intense emotions.

2. Stay honest. This is a characteristic that I am known for and feel proud of.  This means being emotionally honest too.

3. Stay confident. A difficult break up can shake your self-assurance and being single facing rejection and loneliness can really bring a girl down.  So here I am promising myself that I’m going to remember just how awesome I am!

4. Be easy on myself. Forgive myself for my past and future mistakes and don’t expect too much from myself during this time.

5. Let people help me. This is a hard one. This isn’t just about letting people help me but it’s also about asking for help.

6. Expect to be wooed, I’m worth it. Not just from men but from all aspects of life. I promise myself that I won’t chase after people and situations that “just aren’t that into me”.  I’ll have to remind myself of this one often.

7. Don’t date anyone until after January 2012. 

Besides that last one (which I obviously didn’t keep! lol), all of the other ones still ring true and they are a good reminder today. I’ve fallen off the wagon on some of them, especially with #1, #4 and #5.  I’m still struggling right now and I imagine I will continue to for some time.  But many days, I also feel happy, hopeful and confident.  So while I try to figure all this stuff out, I will keep these commitments in mind.

I have to remember that it’s okay not to be alright and it’s okay to admit it .  In fact, saying it out loud makes me feel more at peace and not as scared of my feelings.  I’m not sure why this is so hard for me right now. Perhaps because it’s all a little overwhelming.  So I’m going to recommit to letting myself feel whatever I am feeling and not judge myself for it.  And yes, also let people help me. I have an amazing support system who are willing to be there for me and love me, if I will let them.

On a lighter note…#6…I am worth it!  Very worth it!  So, boys, you better start picking up your game because if you want to spend time with me – friendship or otherwise- you will have to stop being so lazy and work for it!!  (I just wrote a guest blog post for a friend on playing hard to get – you can read that here.)

And let’s just throw #7 out the window shall we?

The Great Friend Debate

Can a single woman and a single guy just be friends?  I’m dubious although many of my women friends tell me it’s possible.  I think if you ask men, they may be more skeptical – probably because like Harry, they know that they would sleep with most of their women friends given the opportunity.

I’ve had male friends in the past but I don’t have any anymore.  For a variety of reasons I suppose.  And I have to admit that many times, things have gone terribly wrong if we were both single.  But I miss having male company in my life.  A good guy friend does have a lot to offer a girl.

With this great debate in mind, my new experiment begins. I find myself with two new male friends (well they aren’t really real friends yet) but we are trying to see if this friend thing that everyone is talking about can actually work.  So here are the deets…

Guy #1: You’ve heard of him. He’s the guy I was hanging out with (previously referred to as Mister Crush).   Can we be friends without screwing it up?  I kinda doubt it but I’m going to try.  If we can keep the attraction in check, I think we could actually be good friends to each other.  We are going to the movies this week, as friends. We shall see how that goes.

Guy #2: Someone I got hooked up with via a mutual friend. Let’s call him Mister Friend (yeah I like my nicknames, something I picked up from a girlfriend of mine).  We met but I just didn’t feel “it”. I told him so later on and asked if he wanted to be friends. He was cool with that and we’ve hung out once since.   It was nice and  he seems like a good guy. It would be great if we could be friends but it’s hard sometimes to start a friendship from nothing.  Again, we shall see.

So can you be friends with someone you have been intimate with?  As a woman, can you ever be good friends with a guy without it getting weird?  Let’s find out!

Risky Business

My counselor recently implied that maybe I’m a dramatic person. Say what??

I don’t actually think this is true. But I have lived life rather intensely lately. My highs have been pretty high and my lows…well let’s just say they have sucked. But I’m okay with that because it means I’ve been taking risks. I don’t want to be the kind of person who lives in their shell, always makes the safe decision, or makes no decision at all because they are scared.

I have an opportunity now to do things differently than I used to. I want to live life fully and live it well! For me this means taking risks. All kinds of risks. And this of course, may result in regret, sadness, fear, rejection and even heartbreak (but hopefully no broken bones!) But it can also lead to joy, exhilaration, laughter, learning, healing and growth.

So I encourage you to take a risk. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but been afraid to. It doesn’t have to be big, it can be a small thing. Step outside your comfort zone. Take a leap of faith. You may be surprised at what happens. Really, what’s the worst that could happen? At least you tried right?

So please bear with me my friends. There are going to be a lot of ups and downs on this journey of mine. I hope you are strapped in for the ride – and I thank you for that – because I’m going to continue to go for it!

“We cannot discover new oceans without having the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

R(egrets)SVP

When I first went through the breakup of my 9 year relationship last February, I searched online for break up blogs to try to find some sort of comfort in the words of others who were going through the same thing as I was.  Every so often I revisit them to see how they are doing with their healing.  One of these kindred spirits, Robin, posted today about regrets on her blog “All Or Nothing”.  Based on an article she had read, she wrote out 32 regrets from her 32 years of life.  We all have regrets and I think this is an interesting exercise.   Of course I have regrets, but since I’m still not back in my happy place, I’m going to flip the exercise on its ass and tell you 25 things that I DON’T regret.  (I know, I’m not 25  but you don’t want the real list, it would be too long!)
So here it goes.  I don’t regret:
  1. Everything it took to have my daughter.
  2. The time, energy, patience and money it took to help raise someone else’s kids.  They are both my friends and my kids today.
  3. Taking a leap of faith and falling madly in love with someone who would break my heart.
  4. Any trip I’ve ever taken.
  5. Buying new bras and panties (even though nobody will see them right now).
  6. Moving miles away from my family, even though that is really hard at times.
  7. Laughing at myself.  I never, ever regret laughter.
  8. Becoming addicted to Facebook.
  9. Jumping blindly into the dating pool this summer.
  10. Taking up smoking again (I know I should, but I don’t).
  11. Staying in the house my ex and I lived in. It’s mine now.
  12. Letting friends into my heart and my life.
  13. Being honest, open and telling it like it is.
  14. Being a trusting person.
  15. Going the extra mile for someone who didn’t deserve it.
  16. Reaching out to my brother during a difficult time – we are closer than ever now.
  17. Getting that a-symmetrical hair cut in the 80s  (and I have curly hair!) because it’s now a hilarious story.
  18. Ending my marriage. (The way I did – yes, but that’s the other list.)
  19. Liking top 40 music. It makes me feel happy.
  20. Crying in front of someone else, even though this is very hard for me to do.
  21. Saying yes to sex with Mister Crush.
  22. Any time I’ve asked for help.
  23. Sharing my experiences on this blog (some may think it’s too much!)
  24. Having a crush on beautiful, feathered-hair Dylan Hunter for two years in grade 7 even though it never amounted to anything and I imagine I was really pathetic.
  25. Taking a chance …. on anything.

Life’s Lessons

So I just had my first “breakup” as a single girl.

I ended things with my Mister Crush (lets call him that) yesterday. Even though it was casual and I knew it wasn’t going anywhere, I do feel pretty sad about it.

If you read my last blog post you know I’ve been struggling this past week. I have a lot of heavy stuff on my plate right now, and in this situation I think things got a bit too intense and I got scared and freaked out. Why did I get scared you ask? Well if I’m to be honest with myself – and I guess I couldn’t admit it a few days ago – I liked this guy.

Yup, I liked him. More than I thought I did and more than I thought I was capable of after all the pain I’ve had this past year. And thus the fear and panic. But you know what? I learned that I can still care about someone and trust them. And thats a really good thing. It means that when I’m ready and the person is right, I can do it.

And in the meantime, after finally getting some sleep, I can see these last couple of months as a gift. I am so lucky that my first experience back into dating and sex was with someone nice and fun. And I sure did have some fun! Lots of great, flirty, sexy fun!!! So I thank the universe, and Mister Crush, for that.

But now it’s time to look inwards again and do some more work on myself. It sucks and it’s going to be hard. But true to who I am – a strong, shiny, brave woman – I will try to be okay with feeling weak and scared right now.

Darkness, I see you, I feel you … and through you, I will find my light again.

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