Sometimes Life Is Messy

Yup, sometimes life is messy. And that sucks. But we’ve all been there.

And I certainly have been feeling emotionally messy these past few days. It’s inevitable given what I have been through over the last year. It’s a roller coaster ride for sure. So, here I find myself, kinda freaking out and unsure of myself (I’m not a confident powerful vixen all the time you know!). There have been so many things running through my mind over the last few days and I’m trying to sift through it all to figure out what is actually going on for me.

So here’s the scoop. As you may know, I’ve been spending time with a guy – a 100% emotionally unavailable, fun, nice, funny guy. And I think I chose this guy for a reason. He’s just as screwed up by his past as I am and in a lot of ways, that’s a relief. I’m not ready to be emotionally available yet either. So up to now, it’s been a good fit and we’ve had a lot of fun together.

Earlier this week, after not seeing each other for a while, he actually invited me to sleep over (surprising) and I accepted (also surprising). We had a good night together but when it came time to fall asleep, I couldn’t do it. So at 3am, I bailed and went home. Yes I was that girl. Which I’m kinda okay with. But I find it curious that staying overnight seems more intimate to me than sex. (Yes, yes I know what you are going to say here – but that’s another blog post!) Ever since I bailed, I’ve felt scared and have completely gone into over-thinking mode. But scared of what exactly?

My mind has been whirling with questions. How do I actually feel about this guy? Am I afraid of getting hurt? Or am I off-kilter because I don’t actually have a deep emotional attachment to him and I don’t know how to navigate whatever we are? Are my “old me” hangups getting in the way of the person I want to be? And why am I analyzing this so damn much? My God, it’s enough to drive a person nuts.

So what’s a girl to do when things get messy? For me, I’ve let myself have my crazy party….for a short time. I think we need to take a look at how we are actually feeling and think about why we feel that way instead of shoving it down and ignoring it. This is something that I spent a lot of time practicing earlier this year and it has helped me heal and grow.

But it’s also just as important to get a grip sometimes. Things can get scary, especially when you’ve been hurt. That’s just reality. So, I’m going to take minute. Breathe….take a step back if I need to….and just chill the f$#* out.

….I’ll let you know how that goes. Just keep swimming right?

Labels – Cut ‘Em Out!

Labels. A nightmare for most men and something women often grapple with and grasp for.  I’m generalizing here, but as women, why do we feel the need to define a “relationship”? (And I use that term very loosely!)

Friends with benefits.  Seeing each other.  Dating.  Wait for it….BOYFRIEND!  I don’t think that men spend any time pondering this stuff.  So I wonder why women do.  Maybe it’s about having expectations, not wanting to be disappointed or hurt, wanting to understand what we mean to someone else or  how they feel about us.

I mention this because I’m spending time with someone right now. Yes, a boy.  (Well not a boy of course, but that term amuses me.)  If you’ve read my last blog post you will know that my “old brain” sometimes reverts to over-thinking and wonders where it is going but  in reality, I’m not really concerned about it.  I’m having fun. I’m laughing. I feel good. I feel sexy. I feel happy. And so I don’t feel a need to label it.  It is what it is.  And feeling that way is really refreshing and gives me a sense of freedom.

As a society we try to box everything up in pretty, tangible packages that people can understand.  That WE can understand.  We let others define our meaning of happiness.  Instead, maybe it would be better if we cut those tethers and stopped getting hung up what what something  is called or looks like to others.  I know it’s not always easy. It also takes confidence.

But we  all live our own individual lives, nobody else is having the same experience as we are.  So I’d like to suggest we stand strong within ourselves and try not to define everything – for ourselves and especially not  for others.

Right now it feels simple to me….if you are feeling happy, just be happy.  Don’t question it.

As Carrie Bradshaw once said, “Some labels are best left in the closet.”

 

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