The curse of over-thinking. It will kill you. Or at least kill the joy of a good moment that may not be perfect. In worrying about it not being what you expected, you can miss that’s it’s still a good moment.

I’m really bad about this.  I’m a chronic over-thinker.  Over the past year , I’ve tried really hard to roll with whatever life has brought my way. I feel that in many aspects, I’ve done pretty well. I’ve come a long way.  I’m much more able to let things go now, relax and enjoy the moment.  But it’s in my nature to think and plan and have expectations so I have to make a conscious effort not to.  So yeah, I have to plan not to plan!  That sums me up pretty well right there. And so you see my struggle.

This leads to one of the things I’ve been pondering lately.  How does a historically “relationship girl” navigate casual, fun, dating?  This is just one of the examples of where over-thinking can be counterproductive.  Many of the women I know, myself included, haven’t done a whole lot of casual dating.  We often have the expectation that dating will lead to a relationship.  Personally, I’m not looking for a relationship right now because I’m not ready for it and I just want to enjoy myself and have some fun.  But I will admit that my brain sometimes goes to what it knows and forgets where my emotional self currently lives.  The place where I’ve made a conscious choice to be.  At times, I will find myself wondering where something is going or some other lame over-analysis, and then I have to check in with myself and remind myself that my intent is to enjoy life right now.  And I am enjoying life!  The brief check-in is all it takes which is good.  This is how that internal conversation goes:

….over-analyze….over-think… about {insert whatever stupid thing here}

“Hey girl, why are you worrying about that crap?”

“Oh yeah! I don’t have to! Life is good.”

“Are you doing what you want to be doing?”

“Yes I am.”

“Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Hell yeah!”

“Do you want to just let go and have fun?”

“Hell yeah!”

“So chill the #$& out and stop falling back into old over-thinking habits.”


This doesn’t just relate to dating vs. relationships.  Over-thinking and expectations can ruin the potential of many good things both big and small.   A trip, an event, a date, a movie, a conversation, even sex. Especially sex. (Don’t get me started on that one!)    So, I’m learning, and growing, and I have to say that it has led to some pretty great things.  And on that note, I leave you with this….



Sexiness Is A Click Away

I always hear women and men lament about how they don’t understand the opposite sex.   We are very different creatures that’s for sure.  And we have different needs and different things that turn us on.  I’ve often thought that by this stage in our human evolution, it would makes more sense if we were all in relationships of some kind with the same sex.   Maybe then men wouldn’t drive us so crazy!  But that being said, I love men. I do.

So in the vain that we are different, I think we all know that men and women have different things that get our juices flowing.  What I’m referring to specifically here is that men are very visual creatures while we women get turned on in our minds first. You picking up what I’m laying down?  On that note, I have a friend whose sexual confidence I really admire and she’s been sharing some of her tricks with me.  Maybe it seems like I need them? Truth be told, I probably do. She’s so great, I love it!  One of her favourite things  is sending suggestive photos to the guy she’s seeing.  When she first told me about this, my “well-behaved-girl” first reaction was that I could never do such a thing, how embarrassing.  But she explained further and I began to see that it was about owning your own sexuality and sexiness.

Of course you don’t send pictures of your face, that’s just dumb. But it’s all about the suggestion. A little leg here (like the legs leaning out of the bubble bath photo), a little naked back, a piece of lingerie….maybe wrapped around a high heel shoe.  You get the idea.  It’s not about being trashy or doing a Playboy spread.  It’s the suggestion of naughtiness.

Can you imagine the reaction of your man if you sent him a photo of you like this to his blackberry?  It would blow his mind!  Just the right mix of saucy and safe.  So consider going out of your of comfort zone and trying it.  Get creative. Feel sexy.  Feel powerful – because you are.  Own it.  And get your own little thrill thinking of how he might react when he opens that email. Awesome!!

So have I tried this recently?  I’ll never tell!

Bringing the Voom back into the Vavava

Some interesting reading came into my hands recently.  The topic? The female orgasm.  A topic of much discussion – among women and hopefully among men too.  Some of you may feel that more men need to be concerned with it. But I’d like to think in our age bracket, men are actually concerned about this area versus when they were in their 20s when all they were concerned about was humping you like a deranged bunny.  Anyway I digress….

Apparently 70% of women can’t experience an orgasm during sex and 50% of women aren’t able to achieve orgasm at all.  So I polled my girls.  Thankfully for them, many can achieve an orgasm during intercourse given the right circumstances.  This is good news.  But I also know many women who can’t.  They either have to fly solo or get some oral/manual assistance to get there.  I just love how women share with each other.  It’s a wonderful thing, much to the dismay of their partners I’m sure!

So this “reading” is about female orgasms from a section from the 4 Hour Body by Timothy Ferriss.  I thought I would share with you a few changes to standard sexual positions that the author recommends to increase the chances of getting his partner to reach orgasm.  I mean, really, why wouldn’t I share my new-found knowledge with you?

Ferris makes reference to two suggested changes to make to most sexual positions:

  • Changing the angle of penetration so that the head of the penis makes more contact with the female g-spot.
  • Changing the pressure so that the man’s pelvic bone is in direct contact with the clitoris.

Missionary: Changing the Angle

So instead of the guy lying right on top of you, his knees are under him (like he’s kneeling). So it’s almost like the woman is resting on his thighs.  Some other things for women to try in this position are to pull your knees towards you or place your feet down to elevate your hips.  One will feel good, the other won’t.  Obviously stop doing what doesn’t feel good.

Missionary: Changing the position slightly

The man changes things up here by shifting his weight up a few inches so he straightens his legs and his knees are off the ground. He supports his weight on the woman’s pelvis and his arms which is the whole point to this position. What this does is changes the angle so that the “rub” is happening against the guy’s pelvic bone on the women’s clitoris.  So he can move up and down or in small circles…see what that does for you.

Cowgirl (giddy-up!): Changing the Angle

This is the position where the woman is on top. But instead of the guy lying down or sitting straight up, he is leaning back about 20 degrees.  Try using pillows to help. This way the woman can control the motion.

Recommended Reading:
The orgasm section of this guy’s book is an informative, humorous and quick read.  Give it a peak.  He also highly recommends reading “I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide.”  And while you are at it, check out Mary Roach’s TED video:  Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Orgasm.

If you already know all this stuff, good for you! I didn’t so I thought I would share.  I mean, really, we are all ultimately responsible for our own pleasure right?  Does it make any sense to leave it up to someone who can’t remember to change the empty toilet paper roll?

The Bare Necessities

I opened the drawer…the one with all my unmentionables.  Except they are mentionable because the sight was ghastly.  A reflection of what my life had become.  Sad, sad looking underwear and bras. You know what I am talking about.

Sometimes you get to the point where functionality is key and you don’t really feel that sexy anymore. It’s hard when you have a busy life, work full time, care for your kids all day long,  clean the house, make meals…the list goes on.  What exactly did I see? Lots of beige efficient bras to wear under my work clothes. Nothing matches. The underwear is really just that, underwear. Not panties or any other sexy word to describe them.  Baggy, stretched elastics, tiny holes, and yes I’ll just say it, stained.  Pathetic.

For those of you who don’t have a drawer that looks like this, good on ya!! So I decided to throw it all out. Yes, GARBAGE!  Let’s start fresh (so to speak).  Good bye beige bras.  Goodbye underwear that covers my whole ass.  Although I will admit that I found a few spicy numbers that hadn’t been worn in years (those went into  purgatory as they aren’t new).

Of course now a trip to the lingerie store was required. And that was fun! So many things to choose from.  I piled my arms full of cute matching sets of bras and panties (yes panties!)  Did I have someone in mind when buying this stuff?  Umm…yes. ME!  And well, to be honest, maybe with a little boy-motivation.

I dropped a pile of money but it was needed. When I got home, I felt delight in folding everything nicely into my empty drawer.   Black, hot pink, yellow, lace, polka-dots.  Sweet!!  And now every morning when I decide what to put on, I feel sexy.

So if your drawer is anything like mine was, I encourage you to go out and splurge on yourself.  Let out your inner vixen!  A girl needs to feel sexy right?  Especially just for yourself.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

(NOTE: girl talk in progress!! If you have no interest about hearing about girl-bits, stop reading now.)

I was warned.  Yes I was. I thought it was crazy talk at the time and yet here I find myself….thinking about personal “grooming” (let’s just call it that).   When did things get like this?

I vividly remember one of my good friends who was out in the dating scene a few years ago telling me that grooming was a big deal these days, for both guys and girls.  Waxing, shaving, lasering and tweezing pretty much everything.  I have to admit that I find it a bit mind boggling.  I did then and I still do.

Now that I am out in the single world I wonder if this is a requirement. Is it not enough that I shave my legs and armpits?  Do I need to book an appointment and choose between the “landing strip”, a Brazilian, the “mustache” (good God!!), or the triangle?  What happened to not worrying about this kind of stuff?  Do men actually care about this? Aren’t they just happy to be able to get into your pants?

So I did some polling of my female friends, most of whom are not single.  And it turns out that many women groom themselves these days.  I guess it’s not just for dating purposes.   I’ve also heard from a single male friend that guys need to “keep things under control” too.   I’m pondering this situation and here’s what I’ve come up with….

I think it’s too bad that any of us feel the need to look unnatural to be successful in the dating world.  I rebel against the idea that anyone should feel self-conscious or judged because they haven’t been waxed and bleached pre-date.   But if getting “the arrow” makes you feel sexy and confident,  or if it gives you that coy smile and tingle from knowing you have a delicious secret waiting to be discovered then I say GO FOR IT!

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